The
Whole Nine Yards (2000)
In "The Whole Nine Yards" Bruce Willis plays a hit
man fresh out of prison moving into suburbia. Matthew
Perry (Chandler Bing on TV's "Friends, in case you've
been living in Mongolia) plays his nervous neighbor.
This is the sum total of the film. You can fill in the
blanks.
At least, the film doesn't waste endless minutes for
the crux of the story to begin. Perry's twitchy dentist
meets Willis likable (i.e. smiling) mobster and immediately
recognizes him as a notorious hit man from his old home
town, Chicago. It would be great to say that from there
on hilarity ensues, but it doesn't. The film just keeps
spiraling into the typical.
It's wrong for "them" to sell this as a comedy; There
is almost no humor in it at all. Perry's nervous reactions
occassionally elicit a chuckle, but we get better for
free every week on TV. The film, finally, does get into
some, at least slightly, cleaver plot entanglements
in the final reel, but it's too little too late.
Here's some examples of the humor: Perry tells Willis
that his father-in-law is in jail for "molesting a patient...
and underage patient... a male underage patient." As
if making the patient male was more amusing or more
pathetically sick. If joking about the molestation of
children is humorous to you, perhaps this is the film
for you. Here's another one: Kevin Pollack's mobster
mispronounces consonants... He calls Jimmy "Yimmy,"
he says "very" with a "w" - as "wery." It's all so tepid.
This is writer Mitchell Kapner first produced script.
Whose nephew is he anyway?
The female leads in the film do, at least, look good.
Well, at least the younger ones. The director must have
a "mouth" fetish because he casts Roseanna Arquette,
Natasha Henstridge, and Amanda Peet in featured roles
in the film. (Apparently Denise Richards was wise enough
to take a pass here). Sadly, Arquette is relegated to
playing a frump and affects a silly French-Canadian
accent in the film. It's a horrid misuse of a beautiful
and talented actress. Perhaps she realized early on
she was in a piece of crud.
Director Jonathan Lynne has brought us such prior
wonders as "Trial and Error" and "Nuns on the Run."
Take this as a severe caution. This film has nothing
new, original, truly clever or funny to bring to the
party. It's a lame ass couch potato. It's the kind of
film that comes to your get- together, drinks all the
good liquor, eats all the cocktail weenies and then
pukes in the sink. At least Perry is there to immediately
twitch and clean it up.
Note:
Also with Harland Williams and Michael Clarke Duncan.
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