Underworld (2003)
I've worked for film festivals;
I've seen a ton of student films; I've watched a crudload
of television and yet, I've never seen anything as
derivative as "Underworld."
Derivative, my ass... It's a plain
old fashioned ripped-off! The Wachowski brothers should
sue the fuck out of the hacks that made this film.
It's no surprise that filmmaker Len Wiseman's only
other credits are as a propmaster. This film is all
image, all style and no substance.
I've been trying to think of films
this movie ripped-off and I'll come up with more as
I go along writing and remembering the film. So far
I've got:
1. Matrix
2. Matrix: Reloaded
3. Romeo and Juliet
4. Andy Warhol's Flesh for Frankenstein
5. An American Werewolf in London
6. 2 Fast 2 Furious
There will be more that pop to mind,
I'm sure.
"Underworld" begins with a 15 minute
gunfight in a subway lifted directly from "Matrix."
(Well, actually it begins with three or four minutes
of indecipherable narration). The characters wear
long, flowing, leather trench coats just like Keanu
and that chick in "Matrix" during that gunfight scene.
There are tiled walls and big chunks of them get blown
out of the wall when the bullets start flying (you
know, just like in "Matrix."). This all takes place
in an underground subway station after a subway car
stops to allow passengers to get off and others to
board. The gunfight rages for at least ten minutes
and yet the subway car's doors never close nor does
it ever start moving. This film has nothing to do
with reality, of course, but, come on.
7. Aeon Flux
8. Blade 2
There's a lot of convoluted stuff
that happens and none of it is interesting or even
capable of holding our attention. Kate Beckinsale
rambles on and on poetically in her snooty British
accent and we have no idea at all what she is talking
about. About this time we meet the main male vampire
and his name is Kraven. (Get it, cause he's cravin'
blood). That's a sure clue to the inventiveness of
this film. The guy playing Kraven, Shane Brolly, looks
a little like Christian Bale.
9. American Psycho
Other minor characters are introduced.
There's a big black man who is a Lycan with a deep
voice. (Apparently Ving Rhames asked for too much
money). There's a freaky European scientist type guy.
(Apparently Udo Kier had another engagement).
A lot of the vampires, who are really
the focus here, talk with British accents. This is
supposed to make them seem "regal" and stylized. Accept
of course for the horrible actor who plays Kraven,
Shane Brolly. He doesn't have a British accent. He
sounds like he grew up in the suburbs of Anytown,
U.S.A. He diction is abhorrent and he apparently cannot
pronounce the "G" in any word ending in "ING." So
we get a lot of dialogue between him and Beckinsale
that sound ludicrous. Stuff like:
Beckinsale: Aren't we in a frightfully
dreary mood today.
Brolly: I'm gonna tell you sumptin
about sumptin.
Beckinsale: Do tell, my good man.
Brolly: You're gonna be regrettin'
gettin' tangled up in this here mess.
Okay, so I've exaggerated a little.
But you get the idea. The dialogue here is so inane
that it doesn't matter what they say. What matters
is that when Beckinsale and Brolly have dialogue it
sounds pretty much like Miss Jane talking to Jethro.
There's a few scenes with fast cars,
men that morph into werewolves in the typical Rick
Baker style, vampires that stand around with fangs
bared while their leather trench coats tent up in
the wind, Beckinsale and Scott Speedman (he looks
like the lead singer for Matchbox 20 - as do most
of the guys in this film) share a kiss with no exposition
to lead up to their romantic tryst... It's all so
drab and typical.
Please note that while Speedman's
characters is in the rain early in the film, he does
spend hours and hours locked inside buildings and
castles. Yet, his hair never dries during the film's
two hour running time. It's like a commercial for
"the wet look."
This is one of the worst films I've
seen in a while but it was so deliciously bad that
I laughed my ass off watching it. The dialogue is
pointless. The story is indiscernible and most of
the film's narration by Beckinsale is as good a narcotic
as Soma. Her mellifluous, dreamy, airy voice is impossible
to focus upon. My mind was constantly drifting watching
this film as it seemed as nonsensical as a Lewis Carroll
poem or a modern art painting. Sure, it looks nice
but how do you keep from having your mind turn inward
while trying to contemplate it? With everything in
the film in black and white yet in color, nothing
stands out. The whole film is like a washed-out Polaroid.
10. Every Vampire flick ever made
11. Every Werewolf film ever made
I can't wait to get the DVD of "Underworld"
so I can invite my friends over and we can watch it
in the privacy of our own homes and heckle the shit
out of it. It's that bad.
Oh yeah, that reminds me:
12. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Notes:
Although the end credits mentioned
that a song by David Bowie from his new album was
used in the film, I didn't notice hearing it.
Author Nancy A. Collins sued the
filmmakers right before the film was released claiming
it stole much of her work including a game called
"Vampire: The Masquerade."
Filmed in Budapest, Hungary and
Prague in Czechoslovakia.
Viewed in Austin in September 2003
with Mike and Amanda.
