Underclassman (2005)
If there's a young actor who is more
awful and annoying than Nick Cannon then I'd like
you to show him to me so I could slap the shit out
of him. If not, I'll take my swipes at Cannon here.
In the vernacular of the young: He sucks.
This kid isn't only an embarrassment
to his race, he's an embarrassment to his generation,
his gender and the entire community of actors and
comedians. This kid is as unfunny as Cedric the Entertainer
but even more so because he is actually trying. At
least Cedric the Entertainer seems to understand he
is just along for the ride and rarely ever "attempts"
to actually be "funny." How the fuck did Nick Cannon
ever get a fucking career anyway? He came from Nickelodeon,
but there have been a plethora of young kids on Nickelodeon
who were a gazillion times funnier than Cannon and
none of them have film careers. I don't get it.
In "Underclassman" (jokes about
being classless to come later), Cannon plays a young
police officer who wants to be a detective (like his
deceased father - ugh) but is in actuality too young
and too stupid to ever even dream of such a career.
From the first frames of the film, it is obvious we
are in the land of Hollywood shit. The opening scene
with Cannon trying to bust some fences fronting stolen
merchandise out of the back of the truck and the perusing
pursuit of them is so hackneyed, typical and unfunny
that anyone with an IQ an iota larger than Cannon's
can see what a horrible film is to come. This is a
bad movie, with a bad script, some bad acting by Cannon,
bad direction, bad music and bad jokes. This isn't
so much a film as an example of exactly what a film
should not be.
Cannon consistently throws out one-liners
during the film and not one - not a single fucking
one - is funny. Hell, they're not even mildly amusing.
Most of them are just stupid. Cannon needs a lobotomy
and new writers. Whoever is riding this kid's jock
and telling him he is funny should be slapped in the
face and made to do community service.
God help poor Cheech Marin. I assume
he had a Mercedes payment due because there is absolutely
no reason for him to accept a role in a such a shitty
film accept for the paycheck. He performs excellently
but then again, put up against Cannon in a scene,
a turnip would perform excellently, a rotting corpse
would perform excellently.
The only reason to see the film
is cutie Johnny Lewis as Alexander. Adorable, charming,
and, most importantly, funny as hell, Lewis makes
the film at least watchable when he is allowed to
appear in a scene. He's the only person in the film
who made me laugh out loud and I can't wait to see
him in another film. Not just because he is cute as
hell but because he has "It," something that Cannon
cannot begin to understand let alone possess.
"Underclassman" finds Cannon being
assigned to a case where he has to pose as a high
school student for some inane reason. Once in the
private school, where he sticks out like a sore thumb
not because he is African-American but because he
is a complete waste of brain cells - as, of course,
Cannon is playing himself and not a character here,
the young, wannabee detective uncovers a drug ring,
car theft ring and an extortion plot. The idea behind
this plot is as ridiculous as the film. But the truly
troubling part of the story comes not from the idea
that teenagers are blackmailed to commit crimes by
their principal here but in the fact that Cannon is
given a 30-something Spanish teacher as a love interest.
In this day and age where over 200 female teacher
are under investigation for sleeping with underage
male students, the flirtatiousness between Cannon
and a woman ten years his senior, who is supposed
to be his mentor, is - to be perfectly blunt - repulsive.
But hey - it's not reality. It's
only a movie. And a really shitty one at that.
Notes:
Cannon is also credited with being
a producer and a co- creator of the lame-ass story
here.
Viewed at a press sneak in Austin
in August of 2005. The only person I saw there that
I knew was Martin of cable access TV's "The Reel Deal."
Martin agreed with me that this film was quite bad.
Report Card
Script: F
Acting: F
Cinematography\Lighting: F
Special Effects\Make Up: F
Music: F
Final Grade: F
