Treasure Planet (2002)
When it comes to "traditional" animation,
Disney has really dropped the ball. Only the Pixar
product from Disney has been worth a damn lately.
In addition to the slew of B-grade animation that
should be going straight-to-video that Disney is dumping
in theaters, like 2003's expected "Jungle Book 2"
and "Piglet" movie, their latest feature-length so-called
"original" films have been far less than stellar.
You thought "Atlantis" sucked. "Treasure
Planet" is even worse. I can't imagine that any child,
other than the most socially and mentally retarded,
could enjoy this film. (I shouldn't say that. That's
really a put-down to the mentally challenged. Even
those with a 1st grade comprehension will easily see
how Godawful this film is).
Why take Robert Louis Stevenson's
classic pirate and high seas adventure and put it
in space? Beats the fuck outta me. Even more ridiculous
and stupid is making the spacecraft in the film look
like pirate ships. That is the most uninventive and
downright ignorant thing I've seen in quite a while.
Something tells me that they will be retrofitting
some old "Pirates of the Caribbean" theme-park machinery
into "Treasure Planet - The Ride" at Disneyland during
some point this year. (Of course, with a live-action
"Pirates of the Caribbean" film - ala "The Country
Bears" - due out soon, they'll just have to retrofit
it back in a few months).
(Jeez. Disney has gone feebleminded.
I forgot about how ridiculously lame the ideas for
the "Country Bears" and "Pirate of the Caribbean"
live-action films were. Who the fuck is running Disney
these days anyway? Is it some unknown imbecilic, inbred
brother of Jeb and George W. Bush? Carrot Top? A ex-pro
football player with a head injury?)
There is not one interesting or
original idea in "Treasure Planet." The script is
asinine. Here is the screenwriters' idea of humor:
There is a character that, I kid you not, speaks in
farts. The other characters refer to this language
as Flatula or some such ignorant corruption of the
word flatulence. (Kurt Vonnegut should sue, by the
way). And in the truly poor scripting technique that
is indicative of this film, a couple of characters
disappear for 20 or 30 minutes at a time. Has Disney
forgotten that the majority of folks who come to see
this film were weaned on Disney product and therefore
expect only the best?
The most fun thing about this movie
for me was trying to guess who the actors providing
voices were. Once I figured out that the teenage boy's
voice was provided by Joey-Gordon Levitt (of "Third
Rock"), my mind sort wandered of into non- Disney
territory... if ya know what I mean! (His character
does get awfully chummy with an old, fat, pirate type...
hmmm.....)
This film looks like crap. There's
not one cool shot in the whole thing. And the idea
of an animated teenage boy doing "cool" actions like
skateboarding and surfing in a out-of- context setting
(space) has been done by the company before. But even
worse, when "Treasure Planet" isn't utilizing the
most cheap-looking background shots or emulating the
company's own X-Game style action sequences that made
"Tarzan" seemingly so unique at the time, it is stopping
for a lame dialogue-free sequence while tossing in
a lifeless pop song by the lead singer of the Goo
Goo Dolls. Can you say "Soundtrack Marketing" boys
and girls? This shameless hucksterism should earn
all Disney execs a secured place in the fiery inferno
of kiddie hell (located, no doubt, somewhere inside
a Chucky Cheese).
Disney has really went nutzo. "Treasure
Planet" is the worst "big budget" film they have put
out since... well, since before that little redheaded
half-fish chick revitalized the company. I don't know
who is running Disney right now. I'm guessing they
won't be running it for much longer.
Notes:
Also with the voice work of Emma
Thompson, Laurie Metcalf, David Hyde Pierce, Roscoe
Lee Brown, Martin Short, Michael Wincott.
The lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls
is Johnny Rzeznik and the two songs he sings here
(one over the end credits) are attributed to his solo
name.
The filmmakers have been working
on this project for several years. In fact, when they
pitched "The Little Mermaid" to the studio in the
late 80's, they also pitched this idea. Apparently
it only took them 13 years or so to run out of original
ideas.
The Internet Movie Database lists
over 20 films with "Treasure Island" in the title.
Viewed in Austin in November, 2002.
