Well, the title is about the only lurid thing in this film. Mainly, "Swallows" is a rather poorly constructed and executed "bedroom farce" for the new millennium that appears to be sort of a cross between some sort of bad Stephen Bochco TV series and a Noel Coward play. There also appears to be a little Ed Wood and the old 80's "gay" sitcom "Brothers" tossed in as well.

The film is told through flashback and dialogue as two old gay friends meet up for the first time in 20 years. Of course, this doesn't really matter because the timeline of events here doesn't really make sense when you start doing the math. Emmy nominated Director Harvey Marks (who did some bit parts on "Gomer Pyle" in the 60's), it seems, is intending to weave some sort of narrative plot here but he just ends up with a tangled, knotted mess. It all starts gelling around the mid-section of the film but the pay-off, by this point is rather moot. This is mainly because we've figured out what he's been trying to build up to 20 minutes before he gets there.

And the visual transitionary tool Marks uses... bleech! He turns freeze frames of the final image of a scene into Polaroids (complete with sound of one of the cheap cameras popping out a picture - but no copyrighted logo) with pointless little phrases written on them in black magic marker. It's tired.

Marks claims to have re-written the original script by Dennis Rodriguez (whom he describes as a "straight grandfather") himself but it's seems more like several "cooks" spoiling the brother in the film. For a long, long LONG time, you can't make heads or tails out of what is going on. And the characters are so TV-esque and boring that you really don't care.

But Marks has an ace in the hole: His cast. The performers here, many recognizable (but not name-known) TV stars, add much charm and humor to the proceedings. They are able to squeeze out some nice moments here and there. Joel Brooks (wasn't he on "Webster") is really likable as one of the "older" leads. And Stephen Macht offers many amusing moments in the film as well. No character here, at least, is under 30.

But the script mistreats these characters so. Marks likes to say that this film is a "feel good" movie, but it's more like a let-down when ever little conceivable plot twist is obvious to the audience 20 minutes before it happens. He likes to say the film has no angst and that is true. But it also has no chemistry, no spark and no truly engaging moments either. Yes, there is some laughter to be found here and there but this film still features gay men who jump into bed just after moments of meeting and, even more pathetic, two old queens who run off to get married after seeing each other again. Not a moment of this film rings of reality. Then, of course, there's also that gay father/gay son crap. But wait... This is all getting as convoluted as the plot here.

"Swallows" is really a rather pointless exercise. Marks can't direct. His images are dull. His sets are threadbare. His characters are one dimensional and his film is a jumbled mess. If "Swallows" is on cable late one night, sure, check it out. It's not horrible. But there's no need to rush out and watch it. We've seen it all before.

This film doesn't swallow. It just licks at the head until we get bored and fall asleep.

Note:

Also with Kevin McCorkle, Mark Kiely, and Susan Kellerman.

The "Swallows" the title actually refers to is the fictional restaurant in Capistrano where the film is set.

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