I read a review of a book recently in "The Austin Chronicle" which talked about the "mythology" of "Star Wars." I can't remember the name of the book, or the author, but one of his thesis was this: George Lucas made the first "Star Wars" when he was Luke Skywalker. He makes the films now as if he were Jabba the Hut. I don't know all that much about "Star Wars," but I get this. And I think it's right on the money.

Lucas has shit out a bloated, verbose, boring and silly piece of crap and called it "Star Wars: Episode 2: Attack of the Clones." Even the title is bloated and crappy.

"Star Wars" fans have already stopped reading this review, so for those of you still with me, let me explain my background on "Star Wars." Soon after seeing the first film in 1977, I saw "Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind." The Spielberg film is still far superior to Lucas' comic book, silly, sci-fi Western. Why anyone over the age of 13 bought into the sophomoric and ridiculous trite that is "Star Wars," I cannot understand. I have only seen snippets of "Empire" and "Jedi." I saw "Phantom Menace" and thought it was a childish, racist dud that featured nothing but an elongated kiddie car ride made only to sell video games.

"Clones" has a similar scene. An overly long, unimportant, stupid, and video-game inspired sequence on a conveyor belt that is nearly impossible to follow, not to mention pointless. There's no passion, no excitement and no adventure in this film. It's a bloated story of romance and politics that only serves to make George Lucas money.

The worst part of the film, however, besides the computer hocus-pocus that passes for special effects, is the acting. Hayden Christensen is a shoe-in for my Lodger's Worst Actor of the Year Award for 2002. This kid sucks balls. He cannot act his way out of a children's TV-show. Worse yet, the actor has been denying his homosexuality so staunchly lately one has to think "thou does protest too much." Hey, Hayden. If you're not gay then stop acting like a fucking faggot. Okay! Dude, you can't act, so stop trying to act like you're straight. If you really like pussy, then give up this sensitive guy bullshit. You look like a dork.

Whew. Anyway, the acting in "Star Wars" is nonexistent by qualified thespians such as Samuel L. Jackson and Jimmy Smits because they are given absolutely nothing to do. Of course, there are fates worse than this, such as being Ewen McGregor and given stupid shit to do. McGregor is hopelessly adrift here forced to play both nursemaid to the petulant Anakin (again, this is a trait played as childish, pouty and angry by Christensen. We don't believe for a second that this deadhead has been trained for 10 fucking years in the ways of the Jedi) and Luke Skywalker replicant.

But surely the most Godawful and hilarious moment in the film is the fight scene involving Yoda. I hate fucking Yoda. He's fucking Grover from "Sesame Street." Frank Oz isn't even fucking creative enough to change the voice. Yoda is the stupidest, most sophomoric, most childish character ever to grace the silver screen. Worse yet, Lucas has this supposed purveyor of Zen like non-violence fight. Dumb. And the little Yoda doll flitting about the head of his opponent, supposedly kicking ass, looks ridiculous. I've seen puppet shows in the park better than this crap.

"Star Wars" fans, you have been suckered again. Why don't you take all that fucking money you spend on admission tickets and action figures and Millennium Falcon models and feed some hungry children? God knows the fat-ass, imbecile who steals your money, George Lucas, has no heart left. He is the Grinch that stole all our fucking innocence. He should be beheaded. Or at the very least, never be allowed to touch a camera, digital or otherwise, ever again.

Report Card Script: F Acting: F Cinematography\Lighting: C- Special Effects\Make Up: D- Music: F Final Grade: F

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