Well, it might be easy to knock "Spider-Man" if you wanted to. From the opening credits, it is obvious that director Sam Raimi is working from the Tim Burton model (circa 1989), The theme is by Danny Elfman and is an exact replica of the themes that made Elfman famous for working with Burton. The credit's graphics are creepy and comic-book-y like Burton's early work as well. The film begins with a close-up of a spider's web and Raimi often works in the comic book mold.

Nothing is more comic-book-y than the character of The Green Goblin. Encased in an ugly and lifeless plastic suit, actor Willem Dafoe cannot break free. His performance is wooden and cartoonish and caricature. He works off the Joker model created by Jack Nicholson for Tim Burton in "Batman." Unfortunately, the best "catch-phrase" scripter David Koepp can come up with for The Goblin is "No one says no to me." Dafoe delivers this just like Nicholson delivered "Wait until they get a load of me" and it sounds ridiculous. The best thing that can be said about Dafoe's performance is this: It's better than the one he gives in "Speed 2."

And the script is often lame here. The opening segment where Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker is treated like an outcast at school is so typical and uninventive. It reminded me of the beginning of "Harry Potter." Aren't we tired of seeing these little snots get bullied by one-dimensional adversaries? I know that I am. One could argue that Koepp is working from a "comic book" model for his script, presenting characters and exposition bluntly and in a rat-a-tat manner, but that's really no excuse. The script here is just not up to par. Or, in other words, it's a typical Koepp script.

Finally, one must argue that the brutal terrorist-like violence in the film is simply out of tune with modern audiences' needs. I realize that much of this film was written and filmed before 9/11, but that doesn't make it any easier to watch explosions and mayhem occurring in NYC. It is still disquieting to see such plot points happening in a city still reeling from a massive terrorist blow. I'm sorry. I have not quite healed yet. I still need more time before I will be able to be "entertained" by mindless explosions and mayhem on scenes set in America's cityscapes.

But what does work in "Spider-Man" is what makes it all worth seeing: Tobey Maguire. Why the acclaimed young actor would want to waste his massive talents on such a trivial piece of pop culture is beyond me. But, as is his wont, Maguire turns in a performance that is raw, human, humane and sensitive all at the same time. Maguire doesn't give us a cardboard hero here; Spider-Man actually cries twice in the film. And Maguire elevates the back story here to an emotional peak. He makes us care deeply about Peter Parker and his story. He makes us want to see him fight evil. He makes us marvel (no pun intended) at his every action. Maguire is poised to be the most important young actor working in mainstream Hollywood right now. Here's hoping that he continues with his next (contracted) two Spider-Man films to elevate the material and make it worthy of our money and attention. If anyone can, it's Maguire.

What else works: The effects. Spider-Man's stunts look cool as hell. This film will delight comic book fans. Sure, there are a few matte shots and CGI effects that don't work, but there is so much action in the film that is so perfectly executed, a few minor gaffs can be forgiven. Spider-man's fluid movements are like action-film ballet. No hero has ever looked as cool as Spider-Man does in this film. Not Michael Keaton's Batman, not Christopher Reeves' Superman, not Schwarzenegger, not Stallone, no one. People like Harry Knowles, who seemingly orgasm at such films, will find themselves having the cum of their lives with "Spider-Man." I don't go to Ain't-It-Cool-News much, but let me imagine Harry's review: "It's so fucking cool man."

What works for me: There is an underlying, dare I say it in yet another review, homoeroticism in the film. From Peter Parker's relationship with Harry Osborn to Parker's obsession with his spurting "web," the film seems drenched in, well, sperm. For what it's worth, James Franco (TV's "Freaks and Geeks") is hot as fuck as Harry. His teeth are so sexy. When he's on screen, you can't see anything but those fucking teeth. They mesmerize you with their vampiric, succulent glow. And when Franco's pouting Osborn is on screen with Maguire, there is a gaydar twinkling that reverberates with such ringing, you practically can't hear the dialogue (not that that is a bad thing). And is it an accident that they become roommates? And that we accept that so easily? To further my point, most of this is early in the film and appears around the same time Spider-Man, or young Peter Parker rather, begins shooting his gooey webs all around the place.

The web as semen correlation is hinted at in the film as Parker is not only fascinated with his own emission, but he also plays with it and "practices" "shooting" it. An obvious scene comes when he blocks his bedroom door from his aunt's access so that she won't see the profuse amount of gooey web that permeates his room. The camera pulls back to show the stuff everywhere. Peter's excuse to his aunt? Don't come in. I'm not dressed." Nothing but a shot of a hand on a cock could be more masturbatory. Still, if your mind is not in the gutter (i.e. like mine) you might not get this correlation. Raimi and Koepp are careful to keep it all seemingly subtextural. Yet the discussions of Parker's emerging manhood is a part of the plot that the film's dialogue is indeed concerned with. These correlations are not only in my mind, but perhaps the primary minds at work on the film. Which is fine by me. It is an important part of the story as the emergence of manhood and what sort of man one will become is truly the main theme of the film. Sexuality, of course, is certainly a part of this.

For the straight guys: Kirsten Dunst is hot as hell here. She radiates sexuality every time she appears on screen. Her rain-soaked, upside-down kiss with Maguire will be the winner at this year's "MTV Movie Awards" for "Best On-Screen Kiss," no question. It will beat the climactic kiss in "Y tu mama tambien," but just barely.

Regardless of sexual subtext, "Spider-Man" is a great film, for what it is. Again, the model here is the original comic, so Raimi, Koepp, Maguire all work to remain true to Marvel Comic guru Stan Lee's vision. So what we have is an amalgam of comic-book storytelling (not for me) played out by some of the best actors and filmmakers in the biz (this for me). The result is a pleasing summer popcorn flick that has a little something for everyone without turning anyone off. That's about the best any of us could have hoped for.

Notes:

I'm sure cameos and other appearances will be noted on other reviews by writers more attuned to comic book culture than me so I won't bother with it. I will tell you Macy Gray has a small cameo where she sings.

Report Card Script: B- Acting: A- Cinematography\Lighting: A- Special Effects\Make Up: A Music: C Final Grade: A-

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