Remember Count Floyd on "SCTV?" Joe Flaherty would play this late night movie show host forced to show lame-ass horror flicks. During station breaks, he would come on and try to make things seem more scary by going "Oh, it's so scary. Ahhh...." And then he would make bug eyes at the camera. Of course, the films he was trying to hype as scary were not. I pictured Flaherty, as Count Floyd, trying the same schtick while watching "Scary Tales."

Now, "Tales" is a little low-budget (make that no-budget) flick by Michael A. Hoffman. It's one of those silly "anthology" type movies, like "Tales from the Crypt" or "Twilight Zone" where the film is really comprised of 3 or 4 short segments. Here, we get three. Sadly, all three are populated by the same un-watchable main star/character, Bill Cassinelli who also co-wrote this schlock. (And I'm being nice here. I just saw "Kung Pow," so I'm willing to forgive almost any other film, no matter how bad).

The first story is about a guy terrorized by dolls. DOLLS! Oh, scary scary. WOOOO. Those dolls with there unblinking eyes. It scares me. WOOOOOO...

Well, first, let me tell you about the silly connecting tissue of the film segments. The premise revolves around a dork and dofus and blue collar ugho named Dennis Frye who is unemployed. He finds a flyer for a employment agency in a convenience store and decides to check it out. There he is greeted by Mr. Longfellow, played with hilarious forced aplomb by Joel Wynkoop (the best thing in the whole movie is watching him ham it up. I just wish he would have went further over the top). Anyway, Longfellow tells Frye about some job openings and then runs a video to show him what the job would be like.

Of course, this first episode, with the SCARY DOLLS, has absolutely nothing to do with the job of caterer which Longfellow says this video is about. It's about Frye driving home from work one day and clumsily running over a little girl with his car. She holds a doll as she dies (lucky for her - she escapes watching the rest of this episode) and for the next ungodly long 20 minutes, Frye is terrorized be dolls in his home. DOLLS!!!!!! THEY'RE SO SCARY!!!! WOOOOOO!!! They don't do anything. Just suddenly appear and sit there. Like, Frye takes a shower and when he gets out, there are dolls next to THE TOWEL. It's dull as fuck and the worst segment in the film. I almost turned it off.

But the second segment started, so I continued to watch. This one was about unrequited love and ASTRAL PROJECTION. Astral projection. Oh Scary.... (I'm getting tired of holding down the shift key).

The same dud character of Frye is, of course, here and this time he is a used bookstore clerk. The film takes eons setting up the story where Frye reads a book about astral projection and decides to try it to visit his love interest (a complete bitch) without her knowing it (using astral projection) and to try and sort of brainwash "vibe" her in her sleep to love him. Hoffman does, at least, show some tits in this scene. How does it end? Oh, we see the end coming for miles. But at least, at times, there is some mild humor here. The film, oddly, starts to become more tongue in cheek. Apparently after watching the dolls segment, the filmmakers and cast realized that they were making an unintentional comedy. Occasionally this segment will evoke a giggle.

The final segment isn't any better. It has Edgar Allan Poe. OHHHH EDGAR ALLAN POE. SCARY.... Wait! Poe is scary. Well, not in the hand of Hoffman he ain't. He ain't creepy or fiendish or ghoulish neither. He's just, sort of, ummm dead. Okay, dead boring. As is the idea behind this segment. Again, though, Hoffman somehow inserts even more (meaningless) tits. Hey. Meaningless Tits. What a great name for a band. I really wish I could start a band and name them Meaningless Tits. That's better than Crack Hamster or Retarded Star. I've always wanted to have a band and play the anvil and sing into a megaphone. Wouldn't it be cool to have a band in Austin?

Oh, wait. I'm doing a film review here. Oh yeah. This film is pretty stupid and lame. But for a guy with no budget seemingly just shooting his friends doing stuff, it's pretty well done. Hoffman proves himself fairly adept at making a film that looks fairly professional. I mean, the actors are ugly and the horrid script sucks, the pacing is way off and the film doesn't work as a campy comedy or a horror film. But it looks professional.

Professional looking backyard DV features. Now that's scary!

Report Card Script: F Acting: D+ Cinematography\Lighting: D Special Effects\Make Up: D Music: D Final Grade: F

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