Santa
Claus (sic) (19??)
This film is so obscure that I can't find reference
to it in any of my numerous resource books on cinema.
The director, Rene Cardona, is only briefly mentioned
here and there. The Medved brothers (of "Golden Turkey"
fame) refer to him as unquestionably the worst producer/director
to come out of Mexico. They also mention that he has
produced films for his son Rene Cardona Jr. The elder
Cardona's films seem to revolve around wrestling and
gore. The junior Cardona, it seems, has followed in
his dad's footsteps at times incorporating this element
into his films as well. There's no wrestling in "Santa
Claus," in the literal sense however, although this
might make it a whole hell of a lot better.
Speaking of hell, this film has the titular jolly
old man in the bright red suit duke-ing it out (figuratively)
with none other than "Ole Pitch" himself. Yep, that's
right; This film might as well be called "Santa Claus
vs. The Devil." Cardona can't just bring us a simple,
sappy holiday film, he's got to jazz it up a bit. Good
vs. Evil was never this simplistic or this much fun!!!
The film opens with a peek at Santa's workshop, perched
high upon some matte clouds. Inside, we are treated
to the forerunner of Disneyland's "It's a Small World"
attraction as numerous children in stereotypical costumes
representing the countries of the world are trotted
out to sing a children's song while Santa rocks on his
piano. A title card, with the name of the country the
kiddies represent, which is perched on Santa's piano,
is magically changed with each new batch of kids. We
are treated to several tykes from several countries
before a sombre boy and girl, dressed like dime-store
cowboys, give us a less-than rousing version of "Mary
Had a Little Lamb" to represent the U.S.A. What's amazing
about this sequence (other than the fact that it goes
on forever and that it is blatantly illiberal) is that
only one boy out of the entire cast of hundreds of children
looks happy. Towards the end of the segment a group
represents South America. We can't understand the song
(all of them are sung in the native language they represent),
but we understand the beat - and so does the pre-pubescent
maraca player. He smiles from ear to ear as he shakes
his music makers. The rest of the cast look like they
had to be woken up early (after a hard night of partying)
to do their scenes but not this little scene stealer.
At least none of the on screen kids look as frighten
and bewildered as the children in the audience do when
the next sequence appears. After a small tour of Santa's
workshop, which looks like it was designed by Salvador
Dali, we are taken straight to hell where Satan is telling
the Devil (aka "Ole Pitch") that he better get some
kids to do some evil - or something like that - or there'll
be trouble. Of course, the original Spanish is dubbed
to English here but one envisions the original dialogue
didn't make much sense either. The over-dubbed narrator
sometimes tells us what characters are saying but it
often just tells us what is going on. The film is so
nonsensical that someone has to try to explain it to
us. Of course, all explanations are futile here. The
beauty of this film is it's absurdity.
More kids come into the film including a poor girl
who wants a doll, a trio of lads who break some windows
with rocks (supplied by "Ole Pitch" himself), and a
Richie Rich whose parents ignore him. Eventually, Santa
helps the poor girl get a dolly but the thing is as
big as the girl herself. Even more amazingly, Santa
also helps the rich boy by - get this - giving his parents
a cocktail with a powder in it that makes them remember
to go home and offer him some affection. Most of the
film is full of this kind of off-the-wall stuff. The
kind of thing that is so politically incorrect now,
one can't image it ever seeming right. Of course, this
film was probably pretty far out in it's time anyway.
Did it ever look right for Santa to toss powder on children
to make them sleep?
Of course, one can't imagine any child ever sitting
through this gloriously insufferable film. Even if it
was half-way decent, the use of the devil would put
them off. This cheap looking Halloween devil with a
red cape and plastic horns is still disquieting. There
is also a plethora of other stuff that will scare the
bejesus out of kids besides the aforementioned devil.
Santa's workshop is just weird, weird, weird! There's
a telescope with an eyeball at the end and a machine
of some sort with huge red lips. Even more unsettling
is the reindeer which look dead and stuffed. To make
them fly, Santa must inserts a huge metal key into a
opening in one side of the lead reindeer and twists
maniacally. Even to adults, this looks a bit gruesome.
Still, there are interesting things about the film.
The color red is used artistically. The odd workshop
is a colorful minimalist, abstract impressionist delight.
And... Did I mention the artistic use of the color red?
Not only is Santa Red, but the Devil is too. Here, Cardona
proves to us that you can't judge a book by the color
red. Red can be good - or it can be evil. Hmmm. Also,
in the film, there are the red lips, a boy with red
hair and numerous red objects. Cardona's use of red
is only to be rivaled by Ed Wood (in "Take It Out in
Trade") and David Lynch (in "Twin Peaks").
The film is, of course, filled with unintentional
humor and should supply anyone with a love of cheesy
movies ample opportunity to guffaw. There are enough
foolish elements in the plot, enough effects in unquestionably
bad taste, and enough bad acting from the cast of unknown
(and uncredited) thespians to fill two movies. Even
the credits are funny because they go so damn slow and
say almost nothing. The one I saw had a credit for an
English Scenes Director and I foolishly neglected to
write down his name. Oddly, I had more than enough time
to locate a pencil and paper, sharpen the pencil, retake
my seat and scribble down his name before his credit
disappeared and yet I neglected to do so. Oh well, he'd
probably be glad I didn't mention it, anyway.
What could Cardona have been thinking? Well, Christmas
movies make a lot of money, and they can be shown year
after year. Plus, this film is obviously intended for
a world-wide audience. I'm sure Cardona had it translated
for and distributed into every country in which he could
get it through customs. It doesn't really matter what
it's about, does it? Besides, can't every child in every
country relate to the basic good vs. evil plot when
it simplified to the level of Santa vs. the devil?
I saw this film when it was shown on the cable channel
Comedy Central's "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" (Episode
521). Of course, the cast of that show had plenty of
amusing lines to use during the run of the film. But
even without their help, Mr. Cardona Sr. has offered
up plenty of chuckles. "Santa Claus" isn't the cheesiest
film ever made but it's right up there. Let's just give
it the distinction of being the cheesiest Christmas
film ever made ever - and leave it at that.
Note: One detail I neglected to mention. A wizard,
in full stereotypical wizard garb, makes an appearance
in the film. The narrator refers to him as "Merlin."
Review written in 1996
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