Somewhere I've heard of a band called "Picasso Trigger," I think they must have been gigging around Houston in the early 90's. I just assumed they had taken their name from this movie. I thought it might be some really great, campy, old, B movie. Wrong.

"Picasso Trigger" was made in the late 80's and it looks like the sort of made-for-cable T&A soft-core trash that began surfacing in the mid 80's. It wants to be slick, sexy and action-packed. It succeeds only in appearing to want to be slick. It's slick in the way an oil spill is slick - greasy, slimy and foul smelling. As for sexy and action- packed, it fails. The endless scenes of modelesque women in lacy lingerie and flesh-hugging swimwear/surfwear is like looking at a "Playboy" centerfold wannabee. This is exactly what director/writer Andy Sidaris wants, or so it seems. But who really thinks the "Playboy" models are sexy? They're more picturesque. Maybe one could say they are slightly sexy, but unlike his predecessors Russ Meyer and Ted V. Mikels, Sidaris' film isn't erotic; it's frilly. As for action, Sidaris packs numerous explosions and gunfights into the film, but none of them make any sense. These are about the quality of Made-for-cable special effects, nothing more. Worse yet is Sidaris gimmicky special effects ala James Bond. We get remote control cars carrying explosives and, get this! - a crutch that fires a mini-missile. It looks quite silly. Without any kind of a plot to justify them, the action and effects become as mind-numbingly vapid as the centerfold females.

Of course, Sidaris isn't really worried about plot here. It's a good thing too because what he has is so nonsensical one cannot follow it. In order to work as many models into the film as possible, Sidaris constructs a plot involving an elite group of agents (mainly pseudo "Victoria's Secret" models) who work for some unnamed agency. Some slimy guy, who calls himself "Picasso Trigger" after a painting he likes, dies in the beginning and then attempts are made on a few other characters' lives. We never can really follow why. Eventually, Guich Koock (who used to be on a TV show called "Carter Country" in the 70's) calls Steve Bond (who happens to be in a g-string swimsuit at the time - y'know, something for the ladies) and Bond assembles the forces to wipe out some pit-faced drug-lord looking guy. Eventually, everyone gets double-crossed but it's pretty confusing. Don't bother trying to figure it out.

As for the actors, well... they suck. This isn't the lamest cast of unknowns you will probably ever see on a T&A movie, but it's pretty close. No one can get their lines right because no one can figure out what the hell they are supposed to be doing or saying. It's as nonsensical to them as it is to us. Of course, none of them were hired for their acting abilities, anyway. I wonder how many of them really are centerfold models? "Playboy" is thanked in the end credits. Maybe someone more familiar with the subject matter would recognize their names? Dona Spier (who plays a character named Donna), Hope Marie Carlton, Roberta Vasquez, Cynthia Brimhall? Anybody ring a bell. The males, meanwhile, are treated like pieces of meat just like the females. Bond wears swimwear and tight jeans and co-star Harold Diamond takes every chance he can get to bear his broad chest. Russ Meyer must be rolling in his grave.

What's amusing about the film now, only 6 years after it was made, is that it looks like such a period piece. The influence of nighttime soaps like "Dallas" and "Dynasty" are unmistakable here. The characters drive big, expensive sports cars and live in the most luxurious abodes. The fashions and the settings all reflect this phony opulence we saw on TV in the late 80's. Albeit, it does reflects the kind of world a model might live in, so it does seem slightly realistic. But when all is said and done, it is a reflection of TV - and not of reality, and therefore the entire film looks even more dated.

There are also expensive looking special effects with numerous explosions used to try and heighten the film's action feel. There is a speed boat chase and a sequence in a small airplane. Also, numerous shots are obviously done from a helicopter. Boats and cars are also blown-up in the film. There even a sequence filmed in a Sea World type aquarium. Sidaris must have money and know people who have money. Arlene Sidaris (his wife, daughter?) produces this film so some of the money used to make the film must be theirs. Sidaris shot the film in Shreveport, Louisiana, Vegas and Hawaii - plus there are a few shots of Paris, so one must assume he also had the cash to travel and film. I wonder what the budget for this baby was and how much money his upper- class friends put into it. The opening logo proclaims this to be a production of Malibu Bay Films and one must also assume that this is Sidaris' own company. One of his earlier films also had "Malibu" in the title (see notes).

"Picasso Trigger" is boring, dated, anti-erotic and muddled. The special effects and the opulent settings are as vacuumous as one would expect. With the numerous amounts of sexual erotic and pornography available to consumers now, what little sex there is in the film is a moot point. It's only surprising that the characters don't do large amounts of cocaine on screen. In all likelihood, they were all doing it off screen. (Note that drugs are never referred to in the plot). This film literally sucks the 80's right into it's void. It's kind of fitting that it was made so close to the decade's end.

Note: Also with Bruce Penhall, Roderigo Obregon and John Aprea (as the titular Picasso Trigger).

Director of Photography is Howard Wexler. Is this a relative of Haskell Wexler, the great 60's cinematographer, or just wishful thinking in the guise of homage?

The atrocious music is by Gary Stockdale. He also sings one of the songs, as does Shelby Daniels. Some of the pop like songs were co-written by Kevin Klinger.

The Nepotism Factor 1: As stated earlier, one Producer is Arlene Sidaris. Also Second Assistant Director is Christian Drew Sidaris.

The Nepotism Factor 2: Laurie Penhall has a small role in the film.

The Nepotism Factor 3: The painting "Picasso Trigger" used in the film is by Jimmy Hadder. Dave Hadder does still photography and is credited as a grip. Jimmy Hadder is credited as an assistant to the Production Designer.

Costumes by Fionna. The abysmal choreography is by Gary Mascaro. The martial arts scenes were choreographed by Diamond. The Crutch Gun was designed by Ellen Jones Pryor. The model plane and car used in the film was designed and operated by Richard Keppel.

The Picasso Triggerfish is apparently a real thing. A fish like the one in the painting is shown in the film's closing credits at an aquarium and, in frame to the left, one can see the placard the designates it as such. A friend of mine studying to be a Marine Biologist has not heard of them but tells me there are such things as triggerfish - and the Encyclopedia backs him up.

Sidaris has been making films for quite some time. I have found references to 3 of his films with only a cursory investigation. Two films are said to be prequels to this one, "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" (date unknown) and "Malibu Express" (1985). The latter is said to be a loose remake of Sidaris 1973 film, "Stacey" (aka "Stacey and Her Gangbusters").

Review written in 1996

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