My Life on Ice (2002/2003) (AKA Ma
Vraie vie a Rouen, The True Story of My Life in Rouen)
Note: Some
spoilers. Please don't let anyone tell you about this
beautiful and remarkable little film. Just see it.
(Then come back and read my thoughts).
Give a boy a camera and he will
show you his soul.
Another title for this film might
be "My Life on Video." The film begins when young
Etienne receives a video camera and begins to, without
really knowing it, document his life. Etienne is young,
perhaps just 16 or 17, French, and in many ways a
typical young man. He lives with his single mother
and if anything makes him special, it is his ice skating.
Etienne is a fabulous figure skater for his age and
much of the film finds him on the ice doing some of
the most beautiful skating I've ever seen a young
man do. We are often invited (via the camera) to his
practices and even get to witness one of his competitions.
Etienne, in this realm, is remarkable.
Etienne, however, most of the time,
seems unremarkable. Oh, not in a bad way. He just
seems rather typical albeit shy. He has a few close
friends including a school chum, Ludovic, with whom
he discusses his more typical and sexual feelings.
At the beginning of the film, Etienne tells his friends
(and us) that he is a virgin but that this is going
to change. He dubs this special time in his life "The
Year of Love" and insists his virginity will soon
be a thing of the past. But as we move through the
film, and through the proclaimed "Year," Etienne does
not seem to be able to find love. He doesn't seem
really all that interested in "love" and girls, at
least not as much as his friend is. Etienne seems
much more interested in videotaping his world and,
as the camera exposes, his main focus is his new male
teacher, Laurent.
The use of the camera here is fantastic.
The camera becomes a character. We see everything
as if we were seeing the raw footage of Etienne's
video life as it is being taped. Our eyes are the
tape head. We see only that which the camera sees.
Although it is a device that has been used before,
"My Life on Ice" takes great chances to give the film
a feeling of verisimilitude. There are several shots
of the people in the film that seem simply as if Etienne
has turned on the camera and let the video roll. The
images here reflect the type of images that a young
boy might be fascinated with given a camera to document
his world. It's as if the filmmakers simply gave the
actor playing Etienne (Jimmy Tavares) a camera and
let him film his world (albeit also if they went through
hours of film and edited it down to the highlights).
And while we are allowed this amazing
entree into Etienne's world, it should also be mentioned
that much goes unsaid (unfilmed) in the piece. Within
these gaps, we have to put together incidents in the
plot ourselves. For example, when Etienne's teacher
begins to date his mother, we don't see this happening
really. It is implied somewhat that it has begun and
then their relationship becomes even more apparent
right before our and the camera's (and Etienne's)
eyes.
A wonderful device introduced mid-film
has Etienne finding a remote control for the camera
and soon we see repeated images of him and his friend
using the remote to begin and end their taped appearances
in the film. (The edited in and out points are when
the characters use the remote). Etienne begins to
use the camera to collect images of his life, the
world around him, his friends and family. Characters
often look at the camera and laugh or - even better
- look at the camera and emulate a silent portrait.
Often a character looks blankly at the camera for
what seems like an eternity. It's as if Etienne, without
any knowledge of cinematic history, recreates the
Warholian ideal of the "film portrait." We do not
ever hear him say it but we imagine that he has told
his subject that when he turns on the camera, he just
wants them to sit quietly for 30 seconds, The characters
here, even Etienne himself, often stare blankly into
the camera and in doing so, in that quiet moment,
bare their soul to us for a instant. The effect is
beautiful.
Etienne is also the only character
in the film who is, in his own way, completely honest
and completely naked in front of the camera. (Even
though he is often behind the camera - by seeing what
is in the camera's eye, we see what is in his mind's
eye). Images of Etienne's gorgeous, toned and teenage
body appear fleetingly throughout the film. It is
important. These images are not there solely for the
sake of showing off his amazingly sexy and young body,
rather they remind us that Etienne is laying his soul
bare in this film. He is naked before us in this film
and his innocent, unassuming and naive soul looks
beautiful. This is a brave and bold performance and
Tavares should be lauded for his portrayal. It is
one of the most beautiful and honest portrayals of
gay teenager that we have ever seen on the screen.
It is impossible not to fall deeply in love with him.
Etienne's "Year of Love," captured
so beautifully in "My Life on Ice" ends with two amazing
moments. First comes Etienne's true coming out to
his friend Ludovic. The reaction is so realistic and
crushing that it will break your heart. Etienne's
best friend in the world doesn't react with anger,
blatant homophobia, love, acceptance or anything resembling
a true emotion. Instead he reacts with a mere negative
indifference that is devastating to witness. The pain
this causes us, the viewer, is so intense and hurtful
to witness that we can only imagine the type of damage
it has done to Etienne.
And finally there is the finish
of the film which many will find abrupt and without
closure. The ending, for some, will leave them with
more questions. But for those of us who are cinematically
inclined, the end of the film is its finest and most
beautiful moment. Etienne, seemingly about to commit
suicide by jumping off a cliff (it is foreshadowed
wonderfully in the film), meets someone, a man, who
likes him and, more importantly, is sexually attracted
to him. The two have sex and share a loving moment
in bed. Etienne's face is finally full. His heart
is finally full. His life is finally not "on ice"
anymore. He becomes whole. Only in a French film could
a young boy having sex with another man for his first
time be considered the true start of his life. This
is the moment that Etienne becomes Etienne unconditionally.
And we get to witness it. We see him become full.
It is an amazing and wondrous moment and one we feel
privileged to be allowed to acknowledge before the
camera stops documenting and the screen cuts abruptly
to black.
"My Life on Ice" is a beautiful
film.
Note:
In French with subtitles.
The film is set in the town of Rouen,
hence its original French title.
From Oliver Ducastel and Jacques
Martineau, the filmmakers behind "The Adventures of
Felix," another wonderful gay themed French film.
Released in France in 2002. Wellspring
has picked up the film for US distribution but has
not set a release date yet.
Viewed on 8/25/03 at the Metropolitan
Theater in Austin as a part of Agliff 2003 (Day 5).
Notes on Agliff 2003 - Day 5
I had to go back to the real job
today but Mondays are actually pretty fun at my real
job. I went home after work and had time to change
before getting to the Metropolitan theater for the
7 o'clock screening. The lines were pretty short but
after a while people showed up and the theater had
a pretty good crowd.
I saw John and he went in to save
us seats. Then I saw Craig and he talked to me about
all this stuff I write on the site. (I had warned
him that I wrote all about all I do on the site and
he seemed cool with that). But Craig was concerned
about the comment John had made, and I had in turn
written about, saying that he didn't even want to
be friends with Craig. It was a touchy situation.
Craig also insisted he had no sexual interest in John.
I worried about how much all I write on the site affects
my friends but, as always, I realized that these are
my personal thoughts that I choose to share with the
world. I can't really have any control over what anyone
else thinks about them. The reader has to remember
that everything I write about here is totally from
my perspective and filtered through my brain. Sometimes
I exaggerate a bit. Sometimes I edit out stuff I think
is irrelevant or uninteresting. I don't know why I
write all this stuff. It's just me. And if you want
to be friends with me, you have to accept and understand
this. When someone tells me something and asks me
to not write about it or to eliminate certain things
that they don't want the world to know, I respect
that. Likewise, when I have information that might
seriously damage a person or a reputation (and I'm
talking mainly about friends here and not public figures),
then I think really hard about what I say on the site.
I hope Craig understands all this too and we can continue
to be friends.
I sat Between John and Craig during
the movie and everything went okay. Both of them seemed
to be more relaxed around the other although John
hadn't read the site and didn't know Craig had.
After the movie, I saw an old friend,
who no longer speaks to me in the lobby, Ryan Cox.
Ryan looked as adorable as ever and was dressed really
cute and had a really cute Red Cross bag that looked
just gay enough to be cool and just cool enough to
be fashionable. He always seemed so sharp. I really
liked him and was sorry we weren't able to say hello
to each other. (It was kinda an odd coincidence because
Ryan's friendship with me ended over a problem with
something I wrote on the website and it was sort of
like deja vu).
Craig said hello to a ton of his
friends and the three of us stood in the lobby and
talked and cruised cute boys. There was a virtual
plethora of them about. I wanted to eat and invited
John to go with me but didn't know if I should invite
Craig as well and when Craig was away I mentioned
the fact that Craig had read some stuff on the website
and John sort of got upset about it - maybe "seemed
concerned about it" is a more accurate statement.
Anyway, Craig came back and I invited him to Starseeds
and then John decided he was just going to go to his
gym and looked at us and said, "You two go to Starseeds."
He does this often. John is often
quite pedantic although he has become a bit more tactful
about it as we have become more close. He'll often
begin a conversation with something like, "You know
what a Azalea is don't you" or something like that
which totally sounds like he assumes you are a complete
dumbass but this is, in actuality, really just his
way of starting a conversation.
John also occassionally says things
as if they were a command such as this seeming decree
for Craig and I to go out to eat together. I shouldn't
be mad because if it was not for John I wouldn't even
know Craig. (If you read last years Notes from Agliff,
you'll see that I referred to Craig as Camarades Boy
for quite a while because I didn't have the balls
to go up and find out his real name).
I admired Craig from afar and was
perfectly happy with that but John knew of my crush
and went up and met him for me. I have mixed feelings
about it because now I am somewhat friends with Craig,
which is awesome, but it was also forced upon me because
John thinks - and probably rightly so - that I am
incapable of meeting people on my own. I don't know.
Sometimes it nice just to admire someone from afar.
Anyway, about this time Oriah and
his girlfriend Holly arrive and we talk for a bit
and I mention I just saw Ryan (I met him through Oriah,
originally) and Oriah tells me that Ryan has a short
film in the festival called "black-eye'd" and that
he, Oriah, is in it. I had no idea about this and
felt bad that I wasn't going in to the next screening
to support Ryan. But then I thought Ryan might think
I was coming in to write about his film and that might
make him nervous and unable to enjoy his first public
screening, so I was kind of glad I had made plans
with Craig.
Oriah, Holly, Craig and I talked
for a bit. John had left by this point, I believe.
And Oriah told me about a few Hobble gigs coming up.
I also asked him to make some more F13 pins for the
website so I could put them out over this next weekend.
Eventually it was getting close to showtime and they
went in and Craig and I headed (in separate cars)
to Starseeds.
Craig had never been to Starseeds
and the minute we got there it seemed like a bad idea
because I found out that smoking makes him ill. Starseeds
is pretty much like a punk bar except with food and
Craig was a little displeased with the idea that the
smoking section was one table in the back of the restaurant
near the kitchen. We ended up talking for at least
20 minutes about smoking in public and the proposed
city ordinance banning it in Austin bars and found
we were on totally opposite sides of the issue. That
pretty much sucked even though we talked amicably
about it.
Shaun was our waiter and Shaun is
always so nice to me. Craig could not believe he was
straight. Shaun is just an adorable guy who is easy-going
and nice to the people he likes and is totally comfortable
with people he likes, even gay people. I've hit on
Shaun and he just giggles so cute when you do. He's
so groovy. He's told me he has a girlfriend and I
know it is true. Shaun took total care of us and allowed
me to say cool things to Craig like, "They really
like me here" and "They treat me so nice here." (Which
is pretty much true). That was cool.
We also got to talk about Craig's
voice which, as I have said, is very high-pitched.
I won't go into detail but suffice it to say it is
natural and not from any problems or traumas. All
I know is the more I get closer to him, the more I
find his voice adorable. It is such a part of him
in my mind now that to think of him with any other
voice is almost unfathomable.
We talked about so many other things
and I found him to be a really interesting person.
He has been to Prague a few times (and probably many
other cities in foreign countries too). He works with
computer software for a company that does more with
industry than consumer products. And his favorite
movie is probably "The Shawshank Redemption." We also
talked about plays and said that maybe we could go
see something together sometime. He was going to see
something at Zach Scott this week and we talked about
checking out something at Naughty Austin or The Vortex
sometime. We seemed to have a lot in common, in a
way, which was cool. It was really nice and we spent
over two hours together which made me very happy.
I went home and Johnny called me
and we talked more. I could tell he was upset and
when I told him I had written that he had said he
didn't want to be friends with Craig he was even more
upset. He thought that I shouldn't write that because
it might hurt Craig's feelings. I guess that is true
to a certain extent. Again, I can't exactly help what
I write and what I don't in relation to what someone
might want me to write or not to write. I try to use
a little judgement - but a little judgement is probably
all I have. I don't know. I try to go through life
refusing to censoring myself and lying by omission
when I write. I'm sorry I'm the kind of person who
feels compelled to put up nearly his every waking
thought on a website. I don't know what it is - it
is just me.
Anyway, we talked more and I told
Johnny it was hard to navigate his feelings this week
and that I was confused about all that was going on
with me, him and Craig. He didn't argue with me but
I could tell he was trying to process his feelings
too. John said he wasn't mad but he ended our call
abruptly and I'm sure he is upset about some of this
stuff.
