King's Ransom (2005)
It's amazing when shit stinks this
badly. This isn't your regular S-curved turd. This
is the stinky, watery, chunky piece of crap with little
chunks of corn and peanuts in it. This is some rank
shit.
Whew. It's hardly worth the time
to sit through this junk let alone have to discuss
it and write about it. Anthony Anderson plays an idiot
who somehow became a marketing genius and made millions.
This is the film's idea of how brilliant this guy
is: He creates an ad for a product called "Boneagra"
(get it, like Viagra but with the prominent mention
of a slang word for an erect penis in the title -
hahahah) where the tag line is "Straight Up." Melvin
Van Peebles is pissing his pants right now, screaming
at the top of his lungs that he is sorry that he ever
made "Putney Swope" and allowed the ignorant black
people who made "King's Ransom" an opportunity to
get behind a camera. Seriously. Van Peebles should
hunt down the assholes that made this crap and slap
them in the Goddamn face!
Anyway, Anderson, whose character
Malcolm King must have money if we are to believe
that the hot women in this film are really fucking
his fat ass, is getting a divorce from his gold-digging
wife. In another moment of genius, he decided to have
himself kidnaped so he can bank the ransom and not
have to share it with his wife as alimony. In a contrived
moment of some of the most idiotic screenwriting ever
to see the light of day, King's wife, one of his disgruntled
workers and pathetic schlep Jay Mohr also all have
the same idea at exactly the same time. Not that this
needs to happen for the film to work, but just so
that there is more shit going on here than anyone
in the audience can even begin to care about.
Sadly, Mohr's character ends up
getting the most screen time out of these horrible
idiotic fictitious characters and the comedian proceeds
to stink up the movie with one of the most rank and
worthless performances ever to be put on the silver
screen. Mohr should kick his agent in the balls. Hard!
This film is so poorly scripted
and so mind-bogglingly inane that even poor Loretta
Devine can't do anything to help. And trying to watch
cute Donald Faison of "Scrubs" is only fun for a few
minutes. It all goes in the shitter when his character
is stuck in such a hideously homophobic prison love
story bullshit contrivance that any self respecting
gay man would rather put his tongue in a vagina than
have to watch it. Yes, this movie is that awful. I'd
rather eat pussy than have to watch it again. Even
if it was crack whore pussy.
Here's a list of two people that
I hope I never have to watch a film they have made
ever again:
Jeff Byrd - director (Looks like
you've only seen his work if you watch a lot of the
crappy "Making of the" movies segments that come on
DVD's today. Please, I am begging you, don't let this
idiot behind a 35mm camera ever again).
Wayne Conley - writer (He used to
write for "Kenan and Kel." In other words, he does
okay with material aimed at 12 year olds. Here's hoping
he doesn't get out of the home any time soon).
"King's Ransom" demands a lot from
its viewers. If you're not a cinematic scat fan, do
yourself a favor and stay far, far away. My friends
still complain of the stink on me and it's been a
week since I saw the film.
Note:
Anthony Anderson was accused of
rape by a female working on the film during shooting.
Eventually, all charges were dropped.
Viewed in Austin in May of 2005.
