I know a movie is really bad when it is set in a boys' school and it's, of course, full of teenage boys and I still hate it. This film is lead by Lucas Haas, one of the best young actors around. Lost in the maze of idiocy that is the plot of this film, he rambles around and wonders whether to smile or frown. Whatever choice he makes is usually wrong. He has to play off Winona Ryder, who phones in her role, and it's like trying to strike a match underwater - no sparks. Nothing. When they finally kiss, we could care less.

Haas also has tons of cute teen boys to work with and there is not a homoerotic moment in the entire piece of shit that is this film. Even though Haas apparently goes to school at the most relaxed private school in the whole United States (with no barber shop around for miles), no boys try to rape Ryder, no boys walk around in various states of undress, no boys make sexual comments to each other. Nothing. There is no chemistry here either. Ryder seems to leave all these boys limp-dicked and impotent. One boy does accuse Haas of having a boner and that's it. Big whoop.

Consider this: Wiley Wiggins, who made "Dazed and Confused" come to life, is so lame here that we don't mind when Haas kicks his ass. What we do mind is that it's another lame scene that should crackle with tension but instead fails miserably. Wiggins look like he spent more time at the craft table eating Ho-Ho's than working on a character. He really looks fat. Christopher Pettiet looks as cute as ever but he's just a minor, minor character. There's not enough screen time for his character for him to do anything. Charlie Hofheimer and Spencer Vrooman play younger friends of Haas. They are interesting kids, at least, but the script offers them nothing. Hofhiemer doesn't know what to do so he spends most of his time gawking at Haas in wonder. Meanwhile, Vrooman screams every other line in an attempt to at least show some kind of emotion. Cute as they are, they start to work the nerves. Meanwhile, Andy Davis plays the fat kid (well, only a bit fatter than Wiggins) and has nothing to do. At least no one makes fun of his weight.

As for the more mature men in the film, none of them do anything to help either. Like their younger counterparts Skeet Ulrich, John C. Reilly and James LeGros don't have any real time to develop a character. There in the same boat as Chris Cooper and Jessica Harper who play Haas' parents. Without adequate scripting to give them characters, Cooper resorts to obnoxious whining and cursing while the usually interesting Harper looks on forlorn. Ho-hum.

The good news is, there is someone to blame and that is Director/Scripter Stacy Cochran ("My New Gun"). This is his/her fault. This person cannot write, cannot direct, cannot get any emotion or tension from their own script. The direction is stale and listless. The characters and the actors who portray them languish in the mess. It's disgusting. The film simply lays there looking good only because all the boys were school jackets and ties. The rest of the film looks like it was filmed for TV. It's edited with no sense of tension, no sense of plot development. Of course it's telling a short story called "20 Minutes" (a hint Cochran didn't take) by James Salter from his book "Dusk." Whoever optioned this piece should see a psychiatrist immediately. Well, that's too harsh. I haven't read it. It wouldn't be the first time Hollywood turned gold into shit. Maybe the source story is good. I don't know. The plot here isn't and Cochran gets nothing new on screen here.

Cochran also doesn't know how to use music. Stewart Copland, who has made masterful soundtracks for numerous films, provides good tunes here; They just don't fit. They are inharmonious with the visuals. Cochran also stuffs the film with Alt-Pop tunes in an effort, I'm sure, to get a good soundtrack deal for the film. Fuck it if they don't fit the film; The film sucks anyway.

"Boys" never had a wide release and quietly debuted on video in numerous markets. I always believe that films should get released, no matter how bad, and not languish on the shelf. I'm going to have to rethink this philosophy. "Boys" has Lucas Haas in a jacket and tie. That's about it. He's cute.

(Review written in 1997)

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