Beeper (2002)
"Beeper" stars Harvey Keitel and
Joey Lauren Adams so it's got to be good, right? Please
note the sarcasm in my voice when I reply (to myself),
"Rigggghhhhttt."
It is obvious from the first set-up
in this contrived and wooden piece of crud that the
film is going to suck. A drug deal gone awry introduces
us to a storyline that means nothing to the film for
at least 25 more minutes. We know it's happening in
some sort of foreign country because the people have
tanned skin and they talk in a different language
than English. We see what they are saying in these
little typewritten words on the bottom of the screen.
Then we are introduced to this stuffy doctor (he looks
more like an ageing soap star) and his annoying little
kid. The kid can't act worth a fuck, but that's okay,
neither can the adult male. Through some horrid and
contrived exposition via dialogue we discover that
the bad actor adult is going to take the bad actor
kid to India. Then they're on a plane. Then we're
in India. We know so because nothing looks American
and some horrid pop song in some foreign language
is playing. This 35mm travelogue of India's urban
sights goes on for another 10 minutes. It's not that
interesting though, cause the production quality is
atrocious. It's like a post- millennium Lorimar production.
Where's Kate Jackson and Michael Ontkean?
Eventually the kid is kidnapped
and we're happy because, at least, we don't have to
put up with his bad acting for a while. Now if someone
would only kidnap the father. An Indian guy (he doesn't
wear a feather headdress but rather a black ski mask.
Wait, that's American Indians) comes in and gives
the father a beeper. Instruction on how to pay the
ransom for his kid will be coming. Um, I'm sorry.
It's 2002. This film shouldn't be called "Beeper."
It should be called "Text Messenger." Thank you.
This film is wooden, static and
paced like a snail crawling across a sidewalk on a
hot ass day. Here's how stupid it is. The doctor/father
character is looking for seat #45 on a train (where
the kidnapper will meet him). He gets on the train
and the seats are obviously number sequentially. He
is near seat #20. Does he walk to seat #45? No, he
continues to pace slowly up the aisle, craning his
neck back and forth looking for seat #45. The seats
are sequential you dumb ass motherfucker! You are
at 20! Go up 25 seats! Jesus it was hard as fuck not
to heckle ala "Rocky Horror" at this piece of shit.
Adams plays an American cop working
with the Indian cops. The Indian cops are all corrupt
and sound like Apu on "The Simpsons." ("I am for taking
this bribe from you.") Adams is about as wooden, bored,
and uninterested in this shit as anyone else. Keitel
finally comes into the film 2/3rds of the way through
and we think maybe it might get a little better. Um,
no. No it doesn't.
I could go on and on beating this
dead horse. But I have a life. I've already wasted
100 minutes of it watching this stupid crap. Okay,
here's my last zinger: When the film was over, I wanted
to yell "Author, Author," so I could find the dunce
responsible for this atrocity and beat the shit out
of him.
Note:
In English and some Indian (Hindi?)
with subtitles.
