Nothing officially going on right now. But I will be submitting a short film I made with Rich Eckersley called "Filling the Hole" to several film festivals, including SXSW (done), and hopefully to New York Gay and Lesbian, and New York Underground. I'll let you know if anything happens.

We want to attend Park City in January but all of that is still pretty tentative. I'm guessing that it won't happen this year.

"To understand death, you've got to fuck life… in the gall bladder!" - Udo Kier in "Flesh for Frankenstein"

The Hollywood Reporter Book of Box Office Hits - Susan Sackett

Ben Lee - Breathing Tornadoes

Bobby Bare - Greatest Hits

Manatee - Music is Useless

Sphongle

Elton John - Songs from the West Coast

Beck - Sea Change

Thomas Newman - American Beauty Soundtrack

Ben Lee's "Breathing Tornadoes" has become my favorite CD. I don't know why. I just really like it a lot. It has kinda garnered the spot as "the best CD of all time" with me. There's something very appealing about its pop qualities embedded in folk singer/songwriter tunes and its offbeat approach to musicianship. This is one of those CD's that also won a spot in my heart because my copy of it has been playing hid-and-seek with me over the past few months. When I moved into my new apartment, LodgAngeles, in July, I suddenly couldn't find the disc. I had the cover but no disk. Almost 5 months later, I found the disc in my Aiwa Walk-man disc-player which had gotten put in a box of electronics stuff during the move and sort of forgotten. I usually use my disc-man in my car with one of those thingees that looks like an audiocassette with a wire on it that runs from the disc-man to your car cassette player. Anyway, I used my disc-man more after I found it and had been listening to Ben Lee in my car a lot. I listened to it on my trip to Houston to visit family recently.

A few weeks later, I couldn't find the disc again. I still had the cover but no disc. I remembered putting it in a green generic burned-CD disc case but I went through all the CD's in my room and in my backpack and even looked under the seats of the car but I just couldn't find it. I decided that the CD was just going to be one of those little treasures that I only find now and again. The fact that I couldn't find it just made it more endearing to me.

Then, the other day, I was going through the KFC drive-thru and I was using a credit card and the guy in the window asked me if I had a pen to sign the receipt. So I looked in the console compartment between the front seats and what should I find? Well, yes, a pen, but also my Ben Lee CD. It is the best CD ever! Like an old lover, it is back in my life!

Not that Beck's CD "Sea Change" isn't one of the most enchanting, heart-throbbing, deliciously sad CD's of all time. It is a brooding masterpiece.

Flirting with Disaster

Lilo and Stitch

12/18 - Cruiserweight - Emos

12/21 - Pong - Emos

12/25 - Monte Montgomery - Antones

12/27 & 12/28 - The Scabs - Antones

12/31 - Ian Moore - Lazona Rosa

12/31 - Bob Schneider/Reckless Kelly - Antones

12/31 - Robert Earl Keen - Austin Music Hall

12/31 - Vallejo - Steamboat

12/31 - Unsane - Emos

12/31 - The Killer Bees - Flamingo Cantina

2/14 - Big Head Todd and the Monsters - Austin Music Hall

Maid in Manhattan

The Hot Chick

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Drumline

Friday After Next

Empire

8 Crazy Nights

I Spy

The Alamo Drafthouse 1: Kill Squad

I've been living in Austin for 3 and a half years now and I really love it. But I've been in a pretty blah mood lately. I don't know. I just haven't been very excited about much. But I've had three really awesome film experiences within the past two weeks that have really brightened my mood immensely, two of them at the Alamo Drafthouse.

The Alamo has been doing "Something Weird Wednesdays" for over a year now and I'd still hadn't had a chance to go and check one of these out. A while back Tim and Carrie League, who run the Drafthouse, bought a collection of fairly old prints from a drive-in somewhere. There were a lot of old low grade movies in the collection and the couple began screening them on Wednesday nights at midnights. To get away from pesky things like royalties and lawsuits, the movies are shown for free! Don't be overwhelmed by their generosity just yet, I'm sure they make plenty in concession sales.

Anyway, I finally got to go to one of these screenings a couple weeks back. The film was called "Kill Squad" and it was deliciously bad. This was one of those lackluster, late 70's, low-budget abominations that tried to take advantage of the resurgent interest in martial arts. For an hour and a half, we watched a group of young men use almost any stupid excuse imaginable to kick each other's ass. It was glorious in its stupidity and its ability to make one laugh at its unintentional humor. Tim and some of the others who put on the series, started the show by saying it was really bad and not even bad in a good way, but I loved it! I thought it was really great in its horribleness.

Anyway, I went with Melissa and her new boyfriend Robert. Dusty came over to my pad too and ended up going. We met our friends Loren and Kevin there as well. These are some friends that I really enjoy spending time with, so it was really a lot of fun.

I was giving Melissa a hard time. I don't really dislike her new boyfriend, but there's not much there to like either. He's not cute and he has no fashion sense, plus he seems to have the personality of a wet cardboard box. Not only has this supposedly "straight" man invaded my territory, by stealing my fag hag, but he's also not pretty and he's not fun either! Damn!

I was really giving he and Melissa a hard time, I guess. I just don't understand why it is that she thinks she NEEDS a boyfriend. It's so stupid. She's smart and funny and personable and easy-going, she could have almost any guy she wants (at least for the night). And she's so young. Why limit yourself. Yes, it's her life and I shouldn't stick my nose into it, but I have to put-up with this guy she's chosen and he's just so drab.

I had bought tickets to see the amazing actor Udo Kier at the Alamo on Friday night, just two nights later and I joked about not taking Melissa and I guess she took me seriously because she didn't call me to go on Friday, so I had to call her. What does she do? She brings her damn boyfriend. I don't remember inviting him! But, I try to go with the flow…

We go down to the Alamo early and luckily the event isn't sold out, so I get him a ticket as well. I wanted to be early because I figured that there would be massive throngs to see Udo! I couldn't believe that when we got there at 10:30ish, not only was the event not sold out, but we were the first in line to get in.

The staff at the Alamo is generally nice and cool but since Tim and Carrie opened the North Alamo, I've noticed that the downtown location has slipped a little. Although, on this night, the guy who identified himself as the manager, Paul, was very nice to us and even sold me the 3rd ticket early so that we could all wait together and get in without a hassle. He didn't have to do this, but he did and that was cool. As the night got later and the line got longer, they didn't do this for others.

While we waited, there was one guy working there who was sweeping and limping and looking like a general wastoid Sad Sack. I couldn't believe this guy. He's working for the coolest fucking place in Austin. So what if you've got to sweep up. You have no right walking around like a zombie acting like you hate life. This guy has got to go.

Eventually they let us mingle in the lobby rather than wait on the stairs and the place filled up quick. They were running a Mr. Sinus 3000 Xmas show and it went on forever. These things must be pretty popular cause when it let out, the place seemed to have been packed. A full house came out and had to work their way through the crowded lobby to get to the exit. I know the Alamo lobby is a tad bit small but they really need to come up with a better plan for crowd control. After we were in the lobby, the line to get in turned into a throng. It wasn't that big of a deal to me, but Melissa and her boyfriend got close to the theater door, so eventually we worked our way up to being first in line again. That was cool.

But some stuff happened in the lobby while we were waiting. First and foremost, Udo arrived. Suddenly I felt stupid for having brought nothing for him to sign and no camera. Really, I don't like being a "fan" type. It's cool enough to me to go to these things and just to have been 10 feet from Udo Kier is fucking cool enough for me. But I guess I owe it to my readers and friends to take a camera, at the very least. Bad Lodgey!

While we were waiting in the lobby, we also met the people that were waiting behind us. They had driven 6 hours from the valley to come to the event. That was cool. They went and met Udo in the lobby and talked to him a bit.

Robert told this one goofy guy named Kelly Green with this group that Melissa and I had a TV show and he went crazy begging to come on it. It was funny. I hate that kind of bullshit and I really hate it when friends tell other people who I am or pimp me. I don't know why. Ever since my days in radio I have hated that. Like, here's my friend and he's cool because he has a cable access TV show and I'm cool by extension because I know him. I don't think that is there intent, it's just how it seems to me. I do the same thing when I'm out with Oriah by introducing him as the lead singer of Hobble, so I guess I have no room to be snitty about it.

Anyway, this Kelly Green guy was goofy and funny. He told us lots of stories about being out on the West Coast when he was in the navy (He looked about 18 years old) and meeting Jim Carrey on the street and stuff.

As the Mr. Sinus 3000 people were exiting, Robert said hello to Jerm Pollet, one of the main guys in the group. Robert knows him, apparently, from his days in a band called Gals Panic (or maybe it is spelled some other way, but that'' how it sounds). Melissa has mentioned them to me before and she says they were really good. I know Pollet does music not as a solo thing and has some CD's out but I really don't know that much about them.

We sat in the theater and watched it fill up as Tim and Carrie and the staff got the theater set up for the screening. I said hi to Carrie and we chatted a bit. I hadn't seen her for quite some time and she is always so genial and charming and sweet. Seeing her is one of my favorite reasons to go to the Alamo. She told me that she and Tim had been having dinner with Udo and went down to 6th street with him and he was having a blast. She told me he was "on fire" and the night was going to be amazing. Boy was she right! She said that when they were down on 6th several people had recognized Udo and said stuff like, "you're that guy" but nobody knew his name. Udo even said, "Yes, but what's my name!" That must drive him crazy. Ah, the price of being a cult icon.

I asked Carrie if Udo was in town to do a film or something and she said that he was just here for 3 days to do this event. It was his first trip ever to Texas. He lives in L.A. now. Carrie told me that their friend Paul , who runs a film festival in New Zealand, wanted to come to Austin for Harry Knowles' Butt-Numb-a-Thon during the next week, so he had to organize an event to make his travelling a business trip. Somehow, he had a hook-up to Kier and got the event arranged so that he could come. Must be nice!

Speaking of Harry Knowles, I also talked to a person-in-the-know, who shall remain nameless, and the subject of Robert Rodriguez's "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" came up. This person knew someone who had seen an advanced screening of the film and said it wasn't very good. They said that they asked Harry about it, because he had been there to, and he said it was "not bad." The implication here is that if Harry didn't rave about it, if the best thing he could say was it wasn't bad, it must be a piece of shit.

Anyway - back to Udo. We sat in the second row and Udo was up front at the beginning of the screening and did a marvelous introduction and answered several questions. It was all very free form and cool and perfectly Udo. Just to hear the man speak, even for a moment, was awesome. He talked about working on "Flesh for Frankenstein" with Paul Morrissey. He pronounced it oddly and someone in the crowd said something and he said, "What?" and they corrected his pronunciation. This set-him up with a running gag about making sure he was pronouncing stuff clearly enough for us to understand. It was hilarious.

Udo talked about some of his film work and answered questions. The goofy valley guy who we had talked to asked him about working with Jim Carrey (in "Ace Ventura") and Udo even said nice things about that. He mentioned Fassbinder and Warhol and talked a lot about getting drunk and being a vampire. It was amazing.

Tim had strung together some clips from some of Udo's movies and we watched them while he commented. This was supposed to be like an amazing insight to the man or something but it didn't quite come off very well. After chatting a bit through the first clip, Udo didn't say much during the remaining three. One of the clips, I believe, was from "Blade." A couple of the old 70's clips had his voiced dubbed by English actors and that was hilarious. Maybe it would have worked better if Tim or someone had sat by him and asked questions during these clips.

Udo told us that he was going to go back to 6th street and have some drinks after the feature started and he would be back after the film. He also told us they were going to run a clip from a short film he was working on called "Mrs. Meitlemeihr" that is about Adolph Hitler escaping from the allies after WWII dressed in drag. We were hyped into believing that if we came back the next night, to see "Blood for Dracula," we would get to see more of the short. The clip they showed was only a few seconds, but looked interesting. I looked up the short and it is listed at imdb.com. It also showed that Udo was born in 1944 (one of his great stories at the Alamo was about being born in a hospital in Berlin as it was being bombed and being saved by his mother. Someone had asked him what it was like to grow up in post-WWII Germany.). This makes him almost 60 years old. He was in no less than 9 films in 2002. Imdb also lists 140 films in which he has appeared since 1966. 140 fucking films in 36 years! Wow!

I had come to the screening mainly to see Udo. But an added bonus was that they were going to screen Warhol's (nee Morrissey's) "Frankenstein" in 3D. I figured this wouldn't be a big deal an assumed the 3D would look pretty shitty. I had seen "Flesh for Frankenstein" on VHS a few years ago and wasn't all that impressed by it. In fact, I liked "Blood for Dracula" a lot more. But I thought it might be cool to see a Warhol/Morrissey flick in 3D. Was I surprised.

The 3D used was "stereophonic," (not the red/green glasses type) and it looked pretty damn good. The only things that were slightly askew were the close-up which just didn't work. Maybe it was because I was so close to the screen and to the left of center. But the medium and long shots looked awesome. I wasn't expecting to love this film as much as I did but it came alive for me in 3D. It was awesome.

Watching Dallesandro cavort naked in a bed (even if it is with a woman) in 3D is a jaw-dropping, cock-hardening experience. Can you imagine seeing Joe Dallesandro's ass, circa 1975, in 3D!?! It is an amazing ass. It is the ass that launched a thousand trips. It is the ass of a generation. It is the ass of the century! This alone makes it necessary for a 35mm, 3D print of "Flesh for Frankenstein" to be available for public viewing in perpetuity. Video or DVD will never, ever be able to do this film justice. It only comes to life on the big screen and in the original 3D format.

Of course it just isn't Dallesandro's gorgeous torso and fleshy globes that become devilishly delightful in this eye-punching format. Monique van Vooren's voluptuous breasts, Arno Juerging's bulging eye's, and Aleksic Miomir's perfectly-chiseled profile all take on, pun intended, whole new dimensions if the film is screened as intended. But only Dallesandro's ass could ever outshine Udo Kier's flamboyant, flippant, creepy and incestuous mad doctor. Kier is simply stunning here, not only as weird as the proverbial fuck but also on a non-stop course with a vein-popping aneurysm in his overwhelmingly over-the-top, ham-handed, two-snaps-in-a-circle, false bravado as the screen's first ever queen bitch. This guy out-Warhols any drag queen in Warhol's oeuvre (cinematic or otherwise) and takes his place in the pantheon of Screen Queens with this performance. It is one of the most outlandish, brash and stunning performances ever to grace the silver screen. To see it in eye-popping 3D is like no other experience ever known to man. If you aren't a fan of Warhol's cinematic excesses, this film, with all eyes on Kier, will make you one. If you are a fan of the great pasty one, this film is like the best trip ever. It's far out, man.

I will give you the most amazing line from the film. Just in case, somehow, there is any doubt about the brilliance of the film. In a just world, this would have been the tagline on thousands of posters. After a post-coital interlude with one of his female creation's innards, Kier as Frankenstein growls the screen's most immortal line: "To understand death, you've got to fuck life… in the gall bladder!!!"

In addition to the stunning Warhol superstars that make the film everything that it is, Morrissey ups the ante with some of the most grisly and disgusting 3D images to ever appear in the format. The climactic death of Kier's mad doctor, with his shimmering, glistening gall bladder jutting from the end of a huge lance on which he has just been impaled and jiggling in our faces in glorious 3D is legendary. To be able to experience seeing this cinematic moment, as stunning as the cross cut in Kubrick's "2001," as visionary as Eisenstein's "Odessa Steps" in "Ptomekin," as important to pop culture as "King Kong" hovering at the top of the empire State Building, is nothing short of orgasmic. To see Warhol's "Flesh for Frankenstein" in 3D on the big screen fulfills one of my most treasured cinematic dreams. If I died tomorrow, I could say I had truly lived!

After this amazing dream-come-true cinematic experience for a film fan and a Warhol freak, Udo Kier returned to the front and center of the Alamo Drafthouse Downtown. The superstar delivered a 30-minute, drunken, rambling monologue that was perhaps one of the most delightful, stunning and absurdly delectable presentations I have ever seen. The Drafthouse crowd, elated little college-aged groovers who had paid a mere 13 bucks for the honor of attending this amazing shindig, as well as myself and Harry Knowles and his father and assorted sycophants, sat for over a half an hour and simply basked in all that was Udo. It was amazing. Kier, in all his drunken shimmering, was on fire, awash in the blaze that was unadulterated, unpretentious adoration. We all fell in love with one and other on this very special, very amazing night. This was one for the history books.

The end of the 2002 is upon us and it won't be long until pretentious little movie sniffers like myself, the hunchbacks of celluloid, begin compiling their oh-so important, best of the year lists. In fact, mine is already in the works. The worst part of being a funky little film critic in a semi-small cinematic villa, is that many of the film companies' best films don't see the light of a projector here until well into 2003. Sure, they play L.A., they have to if they want to be eligible for Oscars. They play NYC. NYC is the Mecca of all that is holy in art film appreciation and criticism. Last year I bitched that if the film companies wanted their films to be on my year-end best list, they'' have to make sure I saw their films in the calendar year 2001. This year, I again make the same Cesarean proclamation. But this year, perhaps because I've been a very, very good boy, I've actually gotten invited to a few press screenings presented by distributors just for that very purpose. So film critics could include their films on year-end lists. I am honored.

I've talked to a few other people and worked to get invited to a few more sceenings, so hopefully I'll have quite a few new reviews up by the end of the year.

One film that I have seen that will surely have at least one mention in this year's Lodger Awards (dubbed The Lodgeys by my friend Johnny Oh!) is Pedro Almodovar's "Talk to Her." What an amazing film.

Austin continues to be a big part of Hollywood and there's a lot of films out there or coming out soon with Austin connections.

Robert Rodriguez - (See the Udo Kier" above story for a mention on his "Once Upon a Time in Mexico). Has anyone heard the news that "Spy Kids 3" has begun filming already - and that it's going to be in HD DV and be in 3-D? That's the story the way I hear it…

Richard Linklater - is currently in New York filming the comedy "School of Rock" with Jack Black about an out-of-work rock star that takes a substitute teaching gig at a private school so he can recruit a 9-year-old guitar prodigy and form a killer band. The script is written by Mike White ("The Good Girl") and co-stars Joan Cusack with White taking a small role, as is his wont. There are rumors that Kyle Gass, Black's partner in the hilarious rock duo Tenacious D may appear as well. Linklater's budget on this film is 15-20 million making it his biggest movie since "The Newton Boys."

Guillermo del Toro - is working on pre-prod for his 60 million-dollar comic book actioner, "Hellboy." Del Toro spent years getting this film greenlit and stuck to his guns to get Ron Perlman in the lead. Filming begins in Prague in March and the finished product is expected to bow in the summer of 2004.

Matthew Maconaughey - Speaking of Linklater, this stars of his last comedy, "Dazed and Confused," has a new romantic comedy called "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" coming out in a few months. It co-stars Kate Hudson and looks like it works to retain the audience who came to see "The Wedding Planner." The trailer, which makes it look like a contrived mess, is in theaters now. The film features Macconaughey's "Dazed" co-star Adam Goldberg, by the way.

Sandra Bullock - Her romantic comedy "Two Weeks Notice" opens for Xmas and then Sandy seems to be taking a bit of a break. Her next project may be a film called "Exactly 3:30" which she will also produce.

The Alamo - filming is set to commence in January 2003 at the replica built in Dripping Springs. My pal (and "Lube TV co-host) Mark Brauner is an extra in the film and is taking classes to learn how to use a flint-lock gun. Hopefully he'll have cool tales from the set next year!

Kill Bill - Tarantino is filming this tale all over the place, including Austin, but I have no idea if he's shot scenes here yet or not. (Greg's Previews on Yahoo don't list Austin as a locale, but imdb does). The Austin Film Society says that they doubt he will do his annual film festival in August of this year because of the film. It's scheduled to be released in October of 2003.

Lone Star State of Mind - after many scheduled release dates, this film is skipping theaters and going direct-to-cable. It premieres on STARZ in December of 2002. My fave nerd hottie DJ Qualls is in it. (You can also see him in the new trailer for "The Core.")

A Promise Kept - imdb.com says filming has begun in Austin on this crime drama starring Joey Lauren Adams, John Patrick Flanery, and Mimi Rogers. An extras call went out just this week for the film.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - This remake of the now classic slasher flick stars Jessica Biel of TV's "Seventh Heaven." It's due in October 2003

One of the worst trailers out there right now is for "Daddy Day Care" starring Eddie Murphy. Not only does this piece of crap use the theme from jaws for a scat joke, but it uses Thomas Newman's music for "American Beauty" as well. Why the fuck does Newman allow this? This is stupid as fuck. This music is also used in the trailer for Jack Nicholson's "About Schmidt" and on a TV commercial. I hope Newman can sleep at night bastardizing his best work ever for money.

Speaking of Nicholson, he looks like absolute shit. Who can stand to look at his ungodly, ugly, bloated mug for the two minutes of a trailer let alone two hours of a feature. He looks like schit in "About Schmidt." And he looks even more repulsive in the trailer for "Anger Management." This film with Adam Sandler looks just awful. Sandler needs to stop, take a breath and immediately reconsider his career immediately.

Several of my friends from Houston, who I haven't seen since my birthday in January, made a trip down to Austin over the weekend for some drunken debauchery. Funny thing was, no one told me and I had some other stuff scheduled. And they didn't tell each other either. Nobody knew that any one else was in town.

Still, somehow, I managed to tie up loose ends and meet this foursome of frolic on a Saturday night at midnight down on 6th street. I was stone cold sober, of course, but hoping to change that. By the time I met up with them, they had already been kicked out of one bar, one of the seamiest on 6th street, Joe's Generic.

Since most of my friends are straight, in the sexual sense of the word, or, at least, proclaim to be, the ladies immediately latched on to me as we made our way down the blocked-off streets to Shakespeares. As we passed some bar on 6th, one near my most hated hang-out, Treasure Island, the bouncer/ barker started saying something about loving public access and that they loved public access in that bar. My two girlfriends and I whizzed by as he started yelling, "Liquid TV guy! Liquid TV guy." Okay, he got the name of the show wrong, but he was close. That was kind of cool. I cannot go out these days without getting recognized at least once. That's pretty cool. Anyway, we went to Shakespeares and to Casinos and had a good ole time.

I always come up with things I'd wished I had said when it's a little too late. For example, I noticed sometime after I wrote my "Treasure Planet" review that the film's initials were "TP." That made me laugh and then I'd wished I'd said, in the review: Since Disney's "Atlantis" was a floating turd, I guess there next movie had to be the TP that came after it.

Kyle Henry is pretty much my favorite local filmmaker. He's a cool guy and funny and an amazing talent. His "University, Inc" is just awesome. He's even been on "Lube TV" which is one of my most amazing Austin experiences. Lately, since moving back from NYC, Kyle has been working on some film and video projects for others (mainly as an editor I believe). But his contribution to the local film scene has been amazing. Kyle, with others like his friends Carlos Garza and Specer Parsons, has been screening some little-seen and important pieces of cinema in alternative spaces here in town. Last year, he did this at the Blue Theater under the title of Blue Screen. But lately he has moved these presentations to the Hideout on Congress and on Monday nights their screening room becomes Cinescape.

I'm the first to admit that much of what Kyle presents is not my cup of tea. His political activism in Austin is legendary and apparent in every frame of "University, Inc." Much of what Cinescape presents is too political for me yet, obviously, I see it as a worthy event. Kyle also screens some really heavy avant-garde stuff. I'd like to check out more of this but Monday nights are a tough night for me because, generally, that's when we film Lube TV. But the other night Cinescape screened a film I could not miss, Cory McAbee's "American Astronaut." What an amazing film! Even though it is two years old, it has never screened in Austin before. And I had to write a glowing review for it, I loved it so much.

This is what Austin is all about! In less than two weeks, I saw an amazingly corny but hilariously fun midnight film for free. I was in the same room with Udo Kier! I saw Warhol's "Flesh for Frankenstein" in 3D! I got invited to a press screening of the new Pedro Almodovar film! And I saw an amazing avant-garde film I've wanted to see since it screened at Sundance almost two years ago. What an amazing town this is! Why would you live anywhere else!?!

After screening "Astronaut," I was pretty hungry so I headed down to Casinos on 6th for a hamburger. It was a Monday night and rainy and cold, so it wasn't very crowded. I finished a couple beers and my burger and was about to call it a night when I ran into Monika, a voluptuous vixen who used to be a barmaid at Casinos and is the lead singer of a band called Wall of Soul (wallofsoul.com). We sat at the bar together and talked and got as drunk as hell. It was great. We exchanged numbers and decided that we would see each other soon.

I was so plastered that I stopped at Taco Cabana on the way home. I ate a plate of Mexican food and passed out on the living room couch.

I've been pretty sick lately and even with all this amazing film stuff going on, I've felt pretty lousy physically. I've had a sinus infection that would kill a horse. It was really bad on Thanksgiving night but it had started to get better. I am also slightly diabetic and probably shouldn't drink as much as I do. The reason I mention all this is that after a couple hours of drunken comatose sleep, I awoke in a panic. I was hot and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to suffocate. I couldn't relax. I panicked! I had to get up and walk around. I went downstairs and opened the door tot he cold night air and stood there until I felt cooled down. I sat on the couch at 6am with the door wide open and watched "Plaza Suite" on AMC. (Why does AMC run so many damn commercials and promos during the films they air in the middle of the night. It's stupid. It pissed me off). Finally at around 7:30am, I was calm enough and relaxed enough to go back to sleep. It was insane.

This always happens when I have a sinus infection. I get sleep apnea and feel like I'm going to suffocate or stop breathing if I fall asleep. I panic and freak out and can't sleep and am generally miserable. Yet I don't go to the doctor and I don't do anything to help myself. It's ridiculous.

I have these mid-sleep panic attacks every once in a while. I think I have them because I sleep so soundly and I don't dream very often. I know I don't dream much because I often wake from a dead sleep where everything has been nothing but a quiet, silent, unconscious blackness for what seems like an eternity. I think this is so close to my idea of death that I freak out momentarily while I become cognizant again. I panic. I think I am dead. It is horrifying.

It is perhaps the loneliest feeling in the world.

Sorry to end on such a downer note.

Lodger 2002 - live and direct from Austin fuckin' Texas!

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