Anyway, the sad thing about all of this is that the Series will be played during much of AFF. If a team sweeps in four games, I might not get to see even one of them because I'll be watching movies every night at AFF. Such is the dilemma of a web starlet like myself.

In the afternoon on Wednesday, I went to the Driskill to get my badge and bag. I wanted to go early after the debacle of trying to pick up my stuff on Day One of this year's Agliff festival just two weeks ago. Agliff (The Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival) used to be in August but they moved it to October this year and with two major film festivals in one month, my head is pounding. It's already to much and AFF hasn't even started.

I got home with my bag and found there was very little in it worth having. Several flyers and ads, of course. The only one for a film playing at AFF was for a doc called "Dirt." There was also a magnet that said "Windows Media" and some invites to some of the parties.

I had to work a little on Thursday and I was busy trying to get everything organized to start the festival. My pal Johnny Oh! and my partner in crime at filethirteen, Web, were both going to be coming to some screenings. Web was going to stay at my place, Lodgopolis, for a couple of days, so I spent some time cleaning and organizing and stuff. Late in the day, I checked my e-mail and saw that Web had written one saying he wasn't coming to town after all. What a bummer. Not only do I like seeing him, but I just don't want to go to the parties without him. Guess I won't be going to any without him. I'll be skipping the opening party at Oslo, the BBQ and the closing parties.

I don't remember AFF having two films on the Thursday before the festival's big weekend last year, but maybe they did. They definitely did this year. Two biggies: "Shopgirl" and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." There are a lot of "Advanced Screenings" this year that I want to see, so I am going to miss all of the shorts programs and most of the Competition films. There also are no docs I want to see and the two "Austin" films showcased this year really didn't look too interesting.

I made my way to the Paramount around 7:00 for the 7:50 showing of "Shopgirl." I didn't think the lines were too long, so I decided to get some food. This was kinda one of the reasons I wanted to be early anyway. If the line had been ungodly long to get in, I would have skipped eating but I didn't have to. I was going to go to the Texadelphia a block over from the Paramount (which used to be a Wendy's) but I saw a place as I was walking called Wiki Wiki Teriyaki. It looked like it would be quick and cheap yet good, so I went in. I ordered a white meat chicken Teriyaki box and it took about 10 minutes for them to prepare it but it was delicious. The price was pretty reasonable too. I want to go back to this place.

Getting into "Shopgirl" was a nightmare. There was security there and they weren't allowing people to bring in cameras. I had one, of course, because I like to take pictures for the site and Jason Schwartzman was supposed to be there. I decided not to cause a fuss about being media because they were, at least, tagging the cameras, giving you a claim check rather than making you return to your car. But I made sure no one would have cameras in the screening and they insisted no one would. "There's no other media here with cameras?" I asked. I was assured there was not.

The screening was crowded but not a complete sell-out. I sat near the front. I noticed a guy I used to talk to named Rav (he used to write under the name Ravkill. I don't know if he still does). He was sitting, as is his wont, with some frequent festival goers who I consider Harry Knowles' peeps. I think they're more hangers-on and wannabees than real friends of Harry's, but who knows. These are the kind of people who sit around discussing the merits and flaws of films like "Doom," which was coming out the next day. These are some of the phrases I heard them use in their conversation: "Demons" "monsters," "portals to hell" and the ever-popular "first person shooter point of view." Yawn.

Some unwashed goofy drunken college guys came and sat in the very front row directly ahead of me. These guys were rowdy and friendly with one and other. There was enough homoerotic tension per second in their gathering to rival the most drunken frat party. One even sat on another one's lap and tried to kiss him.

Finally, Executive Director and festival co-founder Barbara Morgan came out and introduced the screening. She brought up the director of "Shopgirl," Anand Tucker, and he, in turn, brought up Schwartzman and then Claire Danes. I was really pissed I didn't have a camera but at least no one else was taking pictures either.

The frat boys in front of me had some sort of boy crush on Schwartzman and one of them had a bag of candy of some sort, and he walked up to the stage and let the actor get a piece out of the paper sack. "For later," Schwartzman suggested and then began to talk with the director and Danes. At some point, Schwartzman put the piece of candy on the stage floor and the frat boy ahead of me was crushed.

Tucker gave Danes a glowing introduction and she came out and seemed very nice and grateful. She told us she shot the film two years ago and a lot had changed since. "For one thing, I'm a blonde now," she said shaking her hair. (She's a redhead in the film).

The group said they would be back to do a Q&A after the film and then exited the stage. When Danes mentioned that this film had been shot some time ago, I remember that I first heard this film was going to finally be made (it's based on a Steve Martin novella and he stars in the film) was when my acting friend Brandon Howe, star of the awesome Kat Candler film "cicades," went out to L.A. and later told me he had worked in the office for some of this film.

This is a false memory I have discovered since I looked up Brandon on imdb.com and it is Martin's "Picasso at the Lapin Agile" that he actually worked on. He also did work on "I Heart Huckbees" which I didn't know about and which also starred Jason Schwartzman (as does "Shopgirl").

The AFF intro is a funny little film shot in L.A. where our spokesman, Troy Grant who also wrote and directed here, talks about how great Texas is. (The joke being that when he mentions things about Texas, they show shots of things from L.A.). Then there was a funny little cartoon where a hot dog talks on his cellie during a movie and the words "Don't be a wiener. Turn off your phone" comes on the screen. This is followed by a long sponsor reel with cool rock music. ##

# After the movie, Phil Scanlan, the AFF Film Programmer for Advanced Screening films brought out the director and stars again for a Q&A. Some people showed up with cameras and I thought about going out to get mind but was so disgusted with the who thing about confiscating them that I decided there was no need to hype this film or the festival with pictures. Fuck 'em.

After the Q&A, I saw Harry Knowles sitting back by the mixing board in the handicapped section in his wheelchair. In the lobby between films, there was a cluster fuck of incompetence involving completely idiotic, minimum wage making security guards being smart enough to give us our cameras back. It was a nightmare. There was no system and seemingly no one with an IQ over 50 in a uniform. This was so stupid. Finally, after waiting about 10 minutes with several irate people I got my camera back. I thought it was amusing that people were getting so upset. These fucking security people at these screenings do not give a flying fuck about anyone or anything except wielding their stupid power to make you take your camera cell phone back to the car or wand you with a metal detector. There is never a supervisor on site and there is never anyone from the movie companies that hire them there to make sure they do their job correctly. It's basically like trying to get something done at a government office. It's their way or no way and there's no one there to help you. You are, in the purest sense of the term, fucking helpless to do anything about their arrogance, ignorance or rudeness. Letting them have the power to upset you is just playing into their hands.

I went out and got in the badge line again. Not many people were staying for "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." (This movie is going to flop with the resounding thud of a monkey flinging poo at the zoo). There was a girl in line behind me messing with her cellie and she asked me if I knew anything about them. I told her I didn't really. We were talking and a woman in a security uniform came by and told us if we had cell phones with cameras on them we should take them to our cars because they wouldn't be allowed in the theater. I thought about blowing her off but decided to go ahead and walk to my car and put my cell in my trunk. Since I had a camera on me too I decided to leave that as well, even though the security imbecile said nothing about no regular cameras. I walked back to the Paramount and since the badge line was already going in, I just waited for it to end and then walked in. I saw Barbara Morgan and my friend from AFF J.H. walking into the theater and waved hello.

Inside the Paramount, no security guard was checking anyone for cell phones. No one was checking in bags. No one was wanding anyone. I was pretty pissed. I noticed a girl bitching to some of the security numskulls over near the office door and just stopped and listened. I don't know exactly what she was mad about but the security personnel were being their usual arrogant and rude selves. I almost told her, "Honey, don't waste your time with these minimum wage morons," but she was very excited and the level of absurdity of all of this began to overwhelm and amuse me.

Just then, my friend Jett who runs the box office at the Paramount came out and said hello. We talked and laughed a bit about the group cluster fuck with the bitching girl going on for a bit. I told him that I put my cell phone up because they came out and told us to but no one was checking for that and he told me. "That changed about five minutes ago."

We went on to talk about problems with security, digital projection, and the state of the entertainment industry in general. He told me that they had just fired the Artistic Director for The State Theater (which is next door and operated by some group in conjunction with The Paramount. Jett told me that they didn't need him in the box office because they had only sold about eight tickets to "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." (Did I mention this film is going to flop like Johnny Holmes dropping his cock on a wooden cutting board?)

I finally went in and decided to go to the bathroom. Going in right ahead of me was J.H. and Rav. Since I didn't want either one of them to think I was stalking them in the public toilet like the perv that I am, I waited outside. I waited forever, it seems like. Finally Rav came out. I waited for J.H. but he never came. Finally I went in and he was just finishing drying his hands. I peed (thank goodness for stall partitions at urinals) and we chatted about "Shopgirl."

We went out and I noticed Chris Garcia of the Austin American-Statesman standing in the lobby. I said "later" to J.H. and went and sat towards the front. A guy from KLBJ came out and tried to be amusing. He said he was used to introducing rock shows and tried to make us hoot and holler a bit. He told us the writer/director Shane Black would be out for a Q&A after the film.

The AFF stuff ran again and I noticed that the end credits on the sponsor's reel listed the music to be by and Austin band named Li'l Cap'n Travis. (I think it's called something like "Peeling Out in Jesus' Front Yard" or something like that).

The film was so horrible that after it ended and while the end credits began, I walked out and just went home. I didn't want to see Shane Black and know what he looks like because if I ever saw him on the street, I would probably spit in his face because his film is so repulsive and derogatory towards gays.

Lodger at AFF2005