Melissa called in the afternoon and came over to pick up some stuff. We decided we would hook up later in the night as Web was going to hang out with his brother who lives here in town. I wanted Melissa to go to the Driskoll with me cause she is so awesome at parties. People just flock to her. Plus, I needed a photographer. And, of course, I love her as well.

My plan was to go to some parties at 5, and then go to the Westgate to see the "Cowboy Bebop" film and "Real Women have Curves." Melissa said she might come to see one or both of them too. And my roomie Amanda, who is a Mexican-American Studies student at UT said she was going to "Real Women have Curves."

Web came back from the panels and seeing some family and told me he planned to go back to his crib in Houston rather than hang out with his brother here. I knew his brother would be pissed-off about that. I truly did not mean to monopolize him during his visit. He, like all of us, has a really hectic life what with his day job, numerous ex-wives, kids, a current flame, doing this website, writing scripts with his other brother, and taking some college courses on-line. And I thought I was busy! Web's ex-wife with whom he has 2 kids, however, is thinking of moving to Austin, so maybe Web will be here more soon and we can hang out and rock more often!

Anyway, Amanda, Melissa, Web and I sat around and talked and watched a bit of the UT game before Melissa took off to wait on some guy to call and Web and I headed downtown to the parties. Oh, Web told me he sat in on a panel with Tobe Hooper. He told me that he had pitched Hooper "The Herd" and he said, "Kid, they weren't buying that shit 20 years ago and they ain't buying it today." I was surprised and amused and then he told me that he was joking. That was funny but too bad it wasn't true. That would be a great story!

There was a party at Cedar Street but I could not, for the life of me, remember where that bar was. And the invite didn't have the address (dumbasses) so we went to the party at Element instead. Element is one of those pretentious trendy clubs here in Austin that normally I would not be caught dead at. The waitstaff there during the party was bored, uninteresting and lethargic and they seemed totally unprepared for a crowd. They were giving out free Dewers, but I stuck to Budweiser.

On the street, looking for parking, Web saw Pete Barnstorm from www.screenplayers.net, and honked. He waved and we told him we'd see him inside. When we got in he told us the party was lame and he was about to leave. We told him we'd see him later. Web said that Pete had treated him really well and helped him meet a lot of people at the fest. That was cool of him.

I saw my friend Corey, a scriptwriter here in town that also screens movies for the fest, but she didn't see me. After I got my beer, I looked for her and couldn't find her anywhere. Web saw a chick from a panel he met who wrote "Legally Blonde" and "10 Things I Hate About You." She looked to be in her 40's. I wanted to go over to her and do David Krumholtz's line from the film, you know, "There's a dick on my face, isn't there," for her but didn't have the balls. Web said that she had said that she writes all the dick jokes, so she probably would have gotten it. I wasn't drunk enough yet to have the balls to do it.

I also saw the guy from last year, the cop, who was telling everyone his 9/11 story (see AFF coverage from 2001) and I saw Ryan Williams who, as usual, was surrounded by hotties. He's so cute. He had a big smile for me as always. I also saw Kat, a bartender girl who works at the Paramount (see the latest Notes from Austin about seeing "Hair") but she was eating, so I didn't want to bother her. When I went to find her later, she was nowhere to be found, just like Corey. They were dropping like flies at this party, and why not, it was lame as hell. Pete was right.

Someone had told us that Cedar Street was at 4th and Colorado, which was just around the corner, so I thought I remembered where it was. (Jesus, it right across the street from Boyz Cellar. You'd think I'd know where that was. Why didn't they put that on the invite?) We walked down a trashy alley to get to it and I thought off Joe Orton's wonderful quote. He wore a cheap jacket and someone told him it looked good on him and he said that cheap clothes suited him because he came from the gutter. Anyway, we saw people coming out of the Alamo Drafthouse who had just watched UT lose to OU on the big screen. Austin can be pretty drab after a UT loss sometimes.

Li'l hottie Macy was working the door at Cedar Street and got us in. She was surrounded by a huge gaggle of guys and, why not, she's fucking adorable! Cedar Street was even more lame than Element and, God help me, they had bagpipes playing. Why oh why the fuck would you have bagpipes playing. Jesus, could anything be less of a party atmosphere and be more annoying? I had flashbacks to the shittiest film festival I ever been to in my life, the Houston Worldfest. I thought I was going to run in a mad panic to the street and puke from every orifice in my body but somehow I suppressed the urge.

I saw J.H. sitting at a table with friends. I thought he saw me but didn't respond (I'm paranoid) so I didn't want to bother him. After talking his ear off with severe drunk breath the other night, I figured he might not be in the mood for round 2.

I got a beer and Web spotted the guys who made the short "Gaydar." We went over to their table and in doing so, I bumped into the girl in the red shirt again. We all started talking and it turns out that she had won the competition for best 1-hour drama screenplay in the festival for a script she wrote for "The Sopranos." (I tried to get on-line and find out her name, cause I suck at remembering names, and of course, the site has hardly been updated at all since the festival started).

They told me that Charles Nelson Reilly, Jim J. Bullock and some hottie from "Days of Our Lives" is in the film, so I really want to see it. Mark Brauner has a dream of doing a short film about a guy who wants to do a one-man show playing Charles Nelson Reilly, and he does his zany trademark laugh perfectly, so I'm hoping I like "Gaydar" and we can show it on Lube TV. (http://gaydarthemovie.com)

We talked about Bullock being in "Circuit" and that "10 Dates" film with Jason Stewart and they told me he was a really nice guy who did the work for free for them. Bullock, mark my words, is going to have a huge comeback in some art film here very soon. I feel it. He's going to pull a Robert Forster in "Jackie Brown" or Chad Everett in "Mullholland Drive" kinda role one day soon. It is inevitable.

For some reason, Fran Drescher came up and they mentioned that she had recently had a bout with cancer and had written a book and was doing the talk show circuit about that. I had not heard that. My late friend John Christensen loved Drescher! He loved that "Beautician" film she did. Now I remember, Ray and LaFond had seen her backstage at Charles Nelson Reilly's one-man show, "the Life of Reilly."

Anyway, it was getting late and the "Gaydar" guys had to go to the screening of their film. Web needed to get ready to go back home. We said our goodbyes and hoped to hook up again. They "Gaydar" guys are going to be in town for several days, so I'm hoping to hang out with them some more. They are a real hoot! And they told some interesting stories about celebs and the biz without being pretentious or snooty about it or anything. They seemed very genuine and I dug that.

We walked to the car and at the coffee shop that used to be Ruta Mayas, whatever it's called now, they were playing Television's "Marquee Moon" on the loudspeaker on the walkway as we passed. I stopped for a second and closed my eyes and soaked up the cool vibe that had been going on in Austin the past few days. It felt a little like flying…

Got back to my place and Web packed up and left. I wrote a few notes and checked on my Kazaa and took a nap. I decided to blow off "Cowboy Bebop" for the party, so obviously I didn't get to that. After about a half-hour or so, I woke up and headed to the Westgate for "Real Women Have Curves." My roomies had decided not to go. They were going to go out to Casinos instead. The film was introduced by a volunteer and I didn't see anyone I knew there, not that I looked. I hadn't eaten, so I had a big plate of nachos and a Diet Coke during the film. You did not want to be sitting behind me 20 minutes later! (No one was. I explained this to Melissa and the term "test fart" came up in the conversation - you know one of those farts you let out in a public place to test and see if they're going to smell! Hehehe - Jesus, I write about everything, don't I. Rest assured you get the full scoop from Lodger!)

As I was leaving and driving back to my place to pick up some stuff and head to the Driskoll, I checked my messages and Melissa had called and said she was at 503, which was on the way back to my place. She wanted to go party, so I stopped by and picked her up. Before I did, however, I got a call from a friend of hers named Troy, a real cutie she met last year. He's an aspiring actor and a really witty, smart and amusing guy. Long story short: He was going to meet us at the Driskoll.

I picked up Melissa and we talked a bit. One of the things that came up was the story about how the website got started because she had just met Web for the first time today and we were talking about him. (Filethirteen started when Web, a friend, got some of my e-mail about all the cool stuff I was doing in Austin when I first moved here in '99 and he thought my writing was funny and should be seen by the world. No one loves me and hypes me like Web does. He is my patron, my muse, and my biggest fan!) Melissa said, "So, that's how you got to be a pirate movie critic" and I freaked out. Pirate Movie Critic! What a great term! That's exactly what I am. I want that printed on my business cards! I'm going to start wearing a fucking eye-patch!

Melissa told me about her night and about how she had talked to Troy and they had hung out and some stuff had happened. So, I was going to surprise her when Troy was at the Driskoll to meet her but since they had already had a sort of, shall we say, intense day together, I thought I better tell her that he was going to be there. Oh fuck, I have to tell this story, it's so cool. Melissa had sex with this guy (you can add, can't you dear reader?) and after wards, he looked at her and said "fuck yeah" and gave her a high-five. Isn't that the most awesome thing ever! A high five after sex! I want a fucking high-five after sex! Melissa thought it rocked too.

We went to the Driskoll and found Troy. The bar was crammed with peoples as usual. I went to get a drink and Melissa was already talking to a bunch a people she knew. People always flock to her. Some guy spent ten minutes figuring out that he knew her from the cruddy little restaurant where she used to work.

I saw my friend and co-screener Corey and said hello. I saw Ryan Williams and J.H. I told J.H. about seeing him earlier and he was like, "You should have come and said hi" or something like that. I guess I was just paranoid. He's a really sweet guy. We talked a lot. Ryan and J.H. had been to the screening of Courtney Davis' "My Name is Buttons" and they both said it was funny and that they laughed a lot. They also hyped the short before it, "The Adventures of Mad Matt." I'm looking forward to seeing these on Wednesday.

We talked a lot about movies including "Real Women Have Curves" and "Secretary." J.H. said that he saw the trailer for Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedian" on-line recently and it was one of the funniest trailers he's ever seen.

Melissa was taking some pictures and she asked some random guy if she could take a picture of his ass and he said sure, so she did. (She met him and his friend and later told me that their names were Jason and Rusty). I went to get a beer and Melissa went to the Ladies' and I looked over and Troy and J.H. were deep into a conversation. I told the lady next to me that I hated it when two cute guys hook up because it takes two cute guys out of circulation. Cute guys should be told they have an obligation to sleep with guys who are far less attractive then they are, shouldn't they. Why would they want to fuck another cute guy? Isn't that too much like masterbation? I get plenty of that. I don't want to fuck a guy that looks like me. (Hey, I know, no one does). Anyway, they lady says, "You're lodger, I met you last year," and introduces herself. I have no idea who she is at all, of course. She told me it was easy to remember me because of my outgoing personality. (Little does she know that it's all an act).

We chatted for quite a while and then I went off and talked to Melissa, who was sitting around looking wan. She was upset that Troy was talking to this Cori chick. I flirted with her a while and we decided to look around for people to talk too. I saw Ryan Williams, surrounded by hotties yet again and we talked some more. I again whipped out my story about how he was going to be a jaded L.A. freak in a year and he insisted that it wasn't going to happen, all the while smiling that cute, sweet, innocent smile he has. We talked about a lot of stuff and he introduced me to Charlotte, the girl he was macking on. She was from Austin, so she may have been an old friend. He said he was leaving on Monday and we talked about the fact that maybe we'd see each other the next night at the Driskoll.

J.H. said goobye and I told him that he should e-mail me so we can hang out sometime. I invited him to come and be on Lube TV sometime, shirtless or clothed. He said he would e-mail me. I hope he does. I really like talking to him. He's very intelligent and personable. I went to the bar and by now, I'm feeling no shyness, so I say hello to this cutie young guy who me and Melissa had spotted earlier. He shook my hand and told me his name. It was some "J" name, that's all I can remember now. Even though we said no more to each other, I was proud of myself for feeling no shyness. I have to be pretty drunk and in a really good mood to do that kind of thing.

I found Melissa and Troy at the piano in the bar, the blind guy who always plays there had stopped playing long ago. Melissa was in a top hat and said some woman had come by and put it on her head. Her name was Joy. We chatted a bit and then Troy told me that the girl Cori he was talking to had created this show he used to watch called "Breaker High." It was about a high-school class on a cruise ship. This blew my mind! "Love Boat - The Teenage Years." I thought this was the most insane, absurdist, brilliant idea I had ever heard. I had to go meet her. I joked that I should really go and kiss her - no, eat her out!

I walked over to her and she was talking to someone else, so I told the "Gaydar" guys that Troy had told me about Cori's show and how I thought it was insanely beautiful and I told them I should come over and eat her out for being so brilliant. Terry told me that I definitely had to say that to her, so I interrupted her and kissed her hand and told her that. She laughed and then she told me an amazing 30-minute story about getting the show on the air.

Whew! This was around '96 or '97 and the network was the fledgling UPN. It wasn't even on the air on Austin. She sells the show, somehow, to UPN and then gets assigned a producer, Lance Robbins, who hates the show. They assign a writer and all kinda of hilarious craziness ensues. This should be a fucking book! It's so damn insane. Some highlights:

The producer, who, of course, is making a shitload of money off this idea and he hates it! He doesn't get it. He actually says, at some point… "Why does it have to be set on a cruise ship? Why can't it be set… in a lunchbox! What the fuck does that mean. Can you imagine? You're, like, in your early 20's and you actually sell a series to a TV network, and someone says this. Cori actually thought that it was her. That she was too dumb to understand what he was talking about. It's so sublimely, wonderfully absurd!

At one point they decide that it's going to be a High School of the Performing Arts on a cruise ship. But Cori asks them since they are on a boat who exactly are they going to be performing for? They producer says, again, well, why does it have to be on a cruise ship? And she says, "Cause if they're not on a cruise ship, then it would be 'Fame.'"

Then someone else sends her a fax and tells her they have a brilliant idea, on the pilot episode, the ship will sink and it will be 8 teenagers stranded on desert island with one nutty professor. Cori is freaking out from the insanity by this point. They decide that they should go to UPN and pitch this idea and the UPN guy says, "That's great - but what about the show I bought!"

She goes to Vancouver, where she had once lived, to be on the set when they begin shooting and the producer introduces her around as if she were an executive, not the series creator. One of the writers is showing her the show's "Bible" and asking her if she's seen it and she tells her, "I wrote it."

What a brilliantly brutal, insane, wonderful, crazy, delightful, absurd, story this all is. I was in heaven hearing this stuff. This is a fucking TV show right here!

We go to my car and it's like 2:30am by now. There are some guys and girls down the street from my car in top hats, tuxes and bridesmaid type dresses. I tell Melissa that Joy probably stole that top hat she is wearing from one of them, loud enough so that they turn and look, and she says, "Well, you better open the door so we can get the fuck out of here then."

I took Melissa to 503 so she could pick up her car and she sees that Johnny is just finishing cleaning up. Somehow, a few weeks ago, she was telling me about this guy Johnny who works at 503 and, somehow, in our conversation, I figured out it was my old friend Johnny Lewis, who I met through John Christensen. It was a weird sort of synchronicity because Johnny used to manage the bar at the Driskoll and I met him at an AFF afterparty there in 2000 with John Christensen. I used to call him Johnny Driskoll to separate him from all the other John's I know.

Johnny is fixing to go to Mexico for a couple of weeks before heading to Chicago to work at a bar and get some money together. He is also writing. He said he was going to work on his website is Earthmann.com. I can't get that to come up on my browser. I hope everything works out for Johnny. It was nice to see him again, especially after such an amazing night at the Driskoll.

What a life!

Lodger2002 @ AFF2002